Category Archives: Independence

Vulnerability

29 Monday May 2017

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, high functioning autism, Independence

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Patty has been living with her brother, Will, since February. On Wednesday evening, she she messaged me on Facebook.

Can I ask you something

And can you promise not to tell Dad?

Yes.

Will was conned by a young woman asking for money.

Cash?

Of course.

How?

So, she claimed to have fled an abusive relationship in Alabama…. She was at the grocery store. Will went shopping Monday.

Alone.

I was not there. Otherwise, this probably wouldn’t have happened.

How much did he give her?

Quite a bit.

Does she know where you live?

I’m not sure the total amount.

No.

Good.

We kind of know where she is supposed to live.

How do you know he was conned?

I think we need to call the police. Weeell. He went and saw her tonight (she was asking for help again.)

How much?

And she claimed to have lost her wallet. That’s tonight.

She has his contact information?

She asked for $300 more.

Oh no.

Unfortunately, yes.

He gave it to her?

Block her.

Yeah. I know. Sigh. People prey on those with obvious disabilities.

At this point, I began messaging Will. I found out he had been approached by a young African America woman who claimed to be escaping from an abusive relationship. She asked Will for money to pay her rent. She was crying, he said. She told him she would pay him back, and asked for his phone number so she could pay him back when she got the money. However, over the course of three days, she never paid him back. She only pleaded for more money. Over the course of three days, he gave her $1,600.

I asked him if she knew where he lives or his last name.

He said, No. I hope not.

Do you know where she lives? Did you go to her house? Did you take her to your house?

No. I don’t know where she lives.

Block her. Don’t talk to her ever again.

I’ll give her another week to pay back the money.

No. Block her. Consider the money lost, and this an expensive lesson.

Okay.

I knew that he was still unconvinced. He is independent. He is an adult. He’ll say one thing and then do what he wants anyway. After all, he is an adult (29) and doesn’t want to argue with me, his mother. I understand that.

The next morning I received a frantic phone call from Patty. “Mom, that woman called Will and is asking him to buy her food because she is hungry.”

“Go and tell Will to hang up. Right now.”

I heard her hurrying down the stairs. “Mom, said to hang up. Right now!”

Will hung up. Patty handed him her phone.

“Will, don’t talk to her anymore. That money is gone. You will not be able to get it back no matter how much she says she will pay you back. She will only plead with you for more.”

“I know.”

“Block her.” Then I thought, her friends would still be able to call, or she could get a different number. “Change your phone number. Right now.”

“Okay. I will.”

A few minutes later he sent me a Facebook message with the new phone number. Later, he told me that he was relieved that she couldn’t contact him anymore. We went to visit him and Patty yesterday. Privately, I asked him how she could have gotten $1,600 from him in three days. He said, “She just kept tricking me.” I told him that he had a good heart, that he wanted to help a woman in distress. But she took him advantage of that good heart in him. I know, he said.

Oh Lord. How I want to keep him and his sisters safe. I did not think to prepare him for this. Fortunately, Patty who is living with him, tried to stop him. And when he snuck out to give this woman even more money, Patty enlisted me in the effort to stop him. I hate to think what would have happened had Patty not been living with him.

I hope that he will not give into the desire to try to get his money back. That he will not contact her with his new phone number. Oh Lord. Keep him safe.

Adults with autism who are functioning in the adult world may be more vulnerable to scams. Our Will wants to believe good in others. This experience will hopefully make him more wary in the future. He is usually very careful with his money. And the loss of this money did not endanger his ability to pay his bills.

 

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What Will She Do With All Our Stuff?

24 Sunday Jul 2016

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, faith, Independence

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Within a few weeks Marie will be closing on her condo. She will be a home owner at 30.

Then the three of us will be moving together into her condo. We are starting to clean out this house that we have lived in for 21 years as of August 4.

A few years ago I discussed the issue of estate disbursement in this blog post.

https://annkilter.com/2014/03/14/what-would-they-do-with-my-stuff/

This time, the question is no longer speculative. Our real estate agent, Jean, told us that the sale will probably close before mid August. This time, we are moving out of necessity due to Ralph’s cancer. In part because we need to move to a place with fewer maintenance issues; somewhere fresh. In part because we needed to move to a place that is closer to Marie’s job. So that, if we aren’t available to take her to work (likely at some point), she can get herself there. It is 3 miles from her job, a 15 minute bus ride. She could walk if necessary, although that would mean crossing a very busy street. From our current house, it is an hour bus ride. And walking would be impossible.

The job of moving is overwhelming. Decisions. Decisions. What to throw away, what to give away, what to take with us.

Two weeks ago, Will and Patty came to the house to get their stuff before I could have a chance to throw or give it away. Will will never have a reason to say, “I could have had a fortune, but my Mom threw my Pokemon cards away.” Ralph tells the story about his mother who gave away his antique toys when he was away at college. Of course they weren’t antique then. Will and Patty will be coming back next weekend to get more stuff, and to take Daisy, our dog, and one of the cats, Chris, home to Will’s house.

When Will moved out, he took things from our house for his apartment. We also bought a lot of essentials for him like spices, laundry baskets, towels, etc. When Patty moved to her apartment, we did the same thing. But when we move to Marie’s Condo with her, we will be bringing our household goods with us. There will be no need to buy a rice cooker or a toaster. We will have everything we need, and then some.

One of the extra questions I am asking myself as we get ready to move is – will Marie ever have a need for this…or will she have to get rid of it? Marie can’t drive, so getting rid of our stuff is a hassle. Some things are going in the give-away boxes instead. I have announced my abundance of some items on Facebook. I have found a few homes for my extra yarn, and craft stuff. I will still crochet, but unless it is a project currently under construction, I think I will give the rest away.

I’ve taken three trunk loads of stuff to Goodwill so far. Many more to come. I’ll sell a few things, like the piano, the microwave, and tools. I don’t have the desire to run a full-on moving sale. In the next few weeks, if it goes as planned, I will have gotten rid of 50% of our stuff. Marie is going to buy new living room furniture for her condo (she doesn’t want our worn out stuff). So we will get a dumpster and throw those items away. 31 years of accumulation. It will take a while.

 

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Moving

09 Saturday Jul 2016

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, cancer, faith, high functioning autism, Independence

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Well…

Things are changing quickly. On Saturday, on our way to go fishing, I said to Ralph, “We should take some money out your 401k to help Marie make a down payment on a condo.” He was open to the idea.

The next morning, I said we should look for a condo. He said there was no way we could find a suitable condo in our price range. I said to him, “God has provided for us in so many ways. He provided the money for you to go to college, and you graduated from college with no debt. He led us to this neighborhood where our kids received an excellent education in a tiny school district. Our kids were more successful than we could have imagined. God provided the funds for them to go to college. Don’t you think that if he has been faithful with that, he would be faithful for our need to find another place?” (I went on to list more instances of God’s provision for us in our lives.)

Then he went to the computer and started looking up condos for sale. “Here’s one we could afford. Two bedroom, two bath.”  That is, one that Marie could afford. We cannot get a mortgage due to our debt and medical bills. We showed the condo to Marie, and suggested we go over and look at the outside of it.

I wrote an email to a real estate agent that we have been working with for the past six months. I told her about Ralph’s cancer and wondered if Marie would be able to buy a condo, and we could move in with her and pay rent to her. She emailed me back and said that it wasn’t likely because the real estate market here is so hot…and some condos are getting 20 bids with some bids exceeding appraisal values. She doubted we could find anything soon.

45 minutes later, she called me and told me about the same condo that we were planning to look at the outside of. We went over with them and instead looked at the inside and outside of it. Nice. Very nice. It has a den/dining room with french doors that we could use for a clean room should Ralph’s white blood cell count dip to dangerous levels. Two full bathrooms, two bedrooms. A gas fireplace. And only two miles from Marie’s job.

Out in the car we all agreed that we liked it and should make an offer on it. We made an offer on Tuesday night at the full asking price. At 6:30 the next morning, our real estate agent told us that the seller accepted Marie’s offer, but only if we could sign the acceptance by noon. Marie did that. Now she is going through the process of getting the mortgage. Next week are the inspections. Then the appraisal. Then hopefully the closing not too long after that.

Then we move out of this old house. Now to choose what to take, what to sell, and what to throw away. The thought is overwhelming. Will is planning to take our old dog, Daisy, and one of the old cats, Chris. We will take the old cat, Mistletoe and the two younger cats.

Then we sell this house. We are downsizing. We won’t even “own” our own house. But we will have a place to live. And Marie, although she is qualified for this mortgage and has excellent credit, will find it easier to pay the mortgage and other costs with us paying rent. She could have the condo paid off fairly quickly. Marie told us a few months ago that she did not want to live alone. We are very fortunate to have her as a daughter. We never imagined that our daughter who spent 13 years in special education, but went on to obtain a college degree in accounting, would come to our rescue. We are praying that everything goes smoothly with no hitches.

home-sweet-condo-retro

Hope Deferred – Marie

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, cancer, Independence

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

Yesterday, I took Marie to an apartment building in our town to look at a one bedroom apartment. Normally, this building has a long waiting list for one bedroom apartments. The rates are reasonable, and many residents are long-term. This apartment was available, I suspect, because it was being reconditioned. It is going to have completely new flooring installed. The apartment is modest, but pretty nice for a first apartment. It is less than a 20 minute bus ride to her job. Very important because Marie will never be able to drive.

Marie was going to write a check to reserve the apartment after work today. She was so excited to move into her own place.

Today, I received an urgent call from Denise from our health insurance company. She told me the local transplant center was out of network for them. If we chose to have Ralph evaluated there, our insurance company would pay 60%, leaving us on the hook for 40%, which would cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars. Completely out of our price range. The approved stem cell transplant centers are over a hundred miles away. We would need to travel and stay at hotels for Ralph’s treatment.

Marie will be 30 this summer. Her younger brother moved out four years ago to take a job in another city. He bought his own house a year ago. Her younger sister, Patty, moved to Ohio to pursue a graduate degree. She had to get an apartment.

Marie has been waiting to get her own place. She is the most impaired of her siblings; so her journey toward independence has been drawn out. Still, I believe she is ready. And moving to her own place would relieve us of the responsibility of driving her to her job (a precious job which took her four years to land after college.)

But she pays rent and transportation to us, which I am sorry to say is something that we need to make ends meet. Especially now that we will have to find a way to pay extra expenses for Ralph’s treatment. And we need someone to house sit our dog and our house if and when we need to be gone for a while. Our old dog is not nice to strangers. We need her at home. Yet she longs to be on her own. We need her help.

It’s not fair.

But she is willing at this point to help us. Of our children, Marie is the most selfless; like her father. I hope we can figure out a way for her to take this step sooner. And maybe this loss will turn out to be for the best.
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

Hope-Deferred

 

Kilter Family Update – The Next Stage

05 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Independence

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“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” John Shedd.

My blog posts have slowed down this year. This is due in part to the chaos in my life due to Ralph’s health issues. I just haven’t had the time or energy to devote to writing.

It may also be due to the fact that our kids are leaving the nest and moving on with their lives. I am in the process of letting go, and I feel a need to allow them more privacy.

I’ve received some more reminders lately that the ropes are being cast off and their ships are sailing out of the harbor.

I struggle with the idea of them dating, making decisions with the tag – “just letting you know, Mom….” As if I have no say in the matter! 🙂

They were all home for Christmas and it was wonderful. We enjoyed our turkey dinner. We watched It’s A Wonderful Life. On Christmas morning we turned on the Yule Log movie on Netflix.

Mary’s gift to us was rebuilding my old computer so that I could do my writing and Ralph could play games. Will gave us a new monitor to go with it. Patty gave us a gift card to Olive Garden. They know how to give good gifts…

We talked about going to see the Star Wars movie at the movie theater over New Year’s weekend while visiting Will at his house. Will let me know later in the day that he was planning to see us in February around his birthday. He had plans for another date on New Year’s with a girl he has been chatting with on-line for a while.

While home from University, Patty told me that she was planning to apply for a job at a national historical site, and that if she gets the job, she would not be staying with us this summer. Just letting us know, not asking our opinion, she said.

Mary is planning to live with us for a few more years and save up to buy a condo or a small house. Ralph is recommending a house with paid maintenance. My preference is that she buy a condo. But it is up to her, and she has to make up her own mind. She has been working full time for almost a year.

Ralph is continuing to recover his health, but has had some set backs. He is doing the emotional work of adjusting to disability and retirement. Everything is different for him. He is struggling with loneliness and finding a sense of purpose. I make suggestions, but he told me that he is still recovering and he doesn’t have the energy to take up something new right now.

As for me, I feel a bit at loose ends. Things are changing for me, too. My relationships with my husband and children are different. I probably won’t write about the process. Some of it is exciting. Some, not so much. After a year’s absence, I am planning to get involved with my writing group again. I am thinking about trying my hand at writing some fiction. I have a couple of ideas. I may start a different blog, not related to autism. Having a working computer in my writing corner is a big help.

Thank you all for going on this journey with me.

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