Category Archives: Independence

Collateral Damage

07 Monday Jan 2019

Posted by in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, high functioning autism, Independence, Transition issues

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Peckham, inc., obtains government contracts to employ disabled people and is affected by the shutdown.

Peckham is based out of Lansing, Michigan, and was founded by Ralf Peckham who was the head of the Michigan Rehab department. His original goal was to hire people with mental illness who faced significant barriers to employment.

Peckham opened their high tech call center in Grand Rapids 4 years ago. They are a nonprofit organization that trains and hires people with disabilities to do meaningful work at a high level of competence. These are people who our society and businesses have left behind. Have deemed unworthy of employment and the dignity that comes from being able to support themselves.

ADHD, sensory disorders, back injuries, blindness, autism, paraplegic and quadraplegia, depression, and anxiety are some of the conditions that qualify someone to work at Peckham.

Since Peckham opened here, many of these employees have become independent, bought their own houses or rented an apartment. A few have gotten married. They have moved on, finally, with their lives.

Marie was in the initial group of hires at Peckham four years ago. Since then, as many of you know, she has bought a condo, and we live with her. This condo is a blessing for us.

Marie graduated from Davenport University with a bachelor’s degree in accounting. Because of her disability, autism compounded by a mild brain injury at birth, she could not find a job for four years. She persisted in her efforts to find employment and sent out many resumes, volunteered for nonprofits, and eventually found limited part-time work at Mel trotter in accounts receivable.

So when the opportunity for employment with Peckham came up, she decided to go a different direction and try something new because her accounting degree was seemingly of no use. So Peckham trained her in tech support. She has real world certification. Tier 1 tech support, and she continues to train for additional certifications. She is also currently in the process of obtaining an associate’s in programming from grcc. She’s about halfway through. She’s a straight A student in this endeavor. I say this not just because I am proud of her. I say this because these are the kind of people that our capitalist system misses out on. UnEmployment among capable people with disabilities is multiple times the general level of unemployment.

So yesterday because of the government shutdown, 30 people were laid off at the Grand Rapids Peckham location. Marie’s hours were reduced to 30 a week. As the shutdown goes on, she could be laid off as well. Wednesday she had one chat in 7 hours. Yesterday 2 chats. She has training and experience in several areas at Peckham, plus seniority. Over the weekend she used two vacation days so others could work.

The government agency she primarily does support for, the US Forest Service – the firefighters who fight the fires in California for instance, has laid off most of their employees. That’s considered a non-essential government service.

 

The government agency she works for primarily provides tech support for, the US Forest Service – the firefighters who fight the fires in California for instance, has laid off most of their employees. That’s considered a non-essential government service.
After Marie had worked for Peckham for a year, we spent a year trying to help her become independent through buying her own condo or renting an apartment. We toured apartment complexes and condos. We came close to signing a lease and to making an offer on a condo, but stopped at the last minute. Then Ralph was diagnosed with cancer. At that point, we made the decision to help Marie buy a condo with the understanding that we would live with her and share the expenses. And a condo just happened to be available. I’m so thankful we have this arrangement. She has some cushion. I know she’s anxious as anyone would be. we are doing okay for now. But I think about the employees who have their own apartment for the first time or are supporting a family.
And I say all this just in case you don’t know anyone who is affected by the shutdown.
We need to let our president and our representatives know they should work toward a real compromise. President Trump said in a tweet a couple days ago that a shutdown didn’t matter that much because it is mostly affects Democratic employees. I’m sure there are some conservatives that are affected as well. Aside from being tone deaf, that demonstrates contempt for ordinary people.
The employees at Peckham are not federal employees. They are collateral damage that has not been reported on in this government shut down.

He’s Left The Harbor

27 Thursday Dec 2018

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, cancer, Independence, labels, Transition issues, Uncategorized, writing

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“There’s a rumor we may need to go to London around the first of the year,” said Will, via Facebook Messanger to me, Ralph, and Patty. He sent this to us from Atlanta while on a business trip in November.

Will has definitely left the harbor. He owns his own home in another city. He goes on several business trips a year. This year he has spent time in New York City, Los Angeles, Atlanta, and probably somewhere else I am forgetting.

I started this blog in 2011 at Will’s urging. That is, I started writing again. After he graduated from college. He encouraged me to go to a local writing group, and there I learned how to blog.

From 2011 to 2014, I posted once a week on average. After Ralph’s health emergency in 2014, the blog faltered. I lost focus. My entries were not solely grounded in transition issues for young adults on the spectrum transitioning to adulthood.

I wonder what direction I should go from here.

Should I consider closing it down? Our kids are in their late 20s to early 30s. Will and Marie have jobs and mortgages. Patty is struggling for direction, but lives with her brother. Patty has said to me directly that she doesn’t want me to identify them as having any struggles growing up. It is important for their careers that they not be identified as ever having been on the spectrum. I struggle with this, because it has been so much of my life, raising them, and helping them achieve what they have. But I can see her perspective. On the other hand, she has told me that I need to write the story of our family. If I don’t, she has said she will. She wants to see my journals. However, I don’t know if she could handle the rawness of those emotions. I stopped journaling when they learned to read well.

Should I gather up these blog entries and put them in a collection of essays and publish them under the pseudonym of this blog. What if that becomes successful? Will they be “outed?”

If nothing else, this blog has been cathartic for me. It has helped me understand and process some of the history of our family. Our struggles, emotions, etc. But I don’t know if I should just shut it down. Throw it away. Act as if it didn’t happen.

And then there is the question of whether I should keep writing, and further, what I should write about. So pray for me, my readers and fellow bloggers. I don’t know what direction I should go now. Write fiction, stories, reviews, poetry, etc. What would I write about. I have been busy the last few years just taking care of myself and Ralph, who has cancer. But things have settled down since the diagnosis and subsequent move to the condo with our oldest daughter, Marie. So this spring I have planned to go to a writers’ retreat at the urging of my psychiatrist. He said I need to take care of myself and get away. But I am at a crossroad. I hope nothing prevents me from going to the retreat. It is paid for. I am still a member of my writing group, even though I don’t meet with them in purpose.

Will is out of the harbor. Patty lives with him. We live with Marie in her condo. Maybe it’s time to close the door on this chapter. But I don’t know what direction I want to go next. I just know I want to keep writing.

What say you?

Getting Used to It…

31 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Independence

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“I’m going out with work friends after work. They will bring me back to work so you can pick me up.” Marie’s text message on Friday afternoon to Ralph and I.

I paused before replying.  Not asking us. Just informing us.

Marie is the oldest and last of our children to move toward independence. Both Will and Patty are living together in another city. In the first part of 2016, we strongly urged Marie to move out of our house and find an apartment or a condo. We looked up apartment complexes and visited several. Ralph met a real estate agent/nurse at his cardiac rehab program and Marie and I looked at condos with her. Twice we were at the stage of signing papers; one to buy a one bedroom condo, one to rent an apartment. Only to back away at the last moment.

We went to Ohio for a weekend to pick up Patty from  grad school, leaving Marie at home alone. Marie cannot drive and had no friends that we knew of to hang around with. She was lonely and bored. After we got back, she informed us that she did not want to live alone. She then went up to her room and used half of the money she had saved for the down payment on a condo to pay off some of her student loans.

So much for our efforts to push her toward independence.

Then Ralph was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer in June. Our doctor made an appointment for him to be evaluated by a bone marrow transplant team in July.

I realized that we had to move out of our 100 year old house due to his immune deficiency, especially if he was going to get a bone marrow transplant.

To be honest, I had long talked about moving. I felt overwhelmed by all the stuff in our house, by the maintenance work that we could not keep up with, by the outside chores. Ralph had been ill since the fall of 2014. When I talked about moving, he said, “We can’t move until I have fixed it up.” But he wasn’t strong enough to do the work. And I didn’t have the time or the skill.

So I suggested helping Marie with a down payment on a condo, and having her get a mortgage with her job and her stellar credit. She had savings and no debt except her remaining student loan payments. And I believe God prepared this condo for this situation in our lives. This was the only property we looked at. We took a tour on July 3, 2016. Marie signed the mortgage on August 11, 2016. We moved in on August 20.

Instead of Marie living with us in our house, we are now living with Marie in her condo.

So yesterday, she let us know she was going out after work with Friends. With people we don’t know. Friends she had made at the job that God supplied. The first time she has ever done this alone. We have always supervised her outings or made sure she was with people that we knew and trusted. For me, it was almost as hard as the day that Will got on a plane by himself and flew to California for a week. I was nervous. But I couldn’t say no.

At eight, I texted her to see how it was going.

“We are walking around Rockford. We are having a good time,” she replied.

As the evening wore on, I said to Ralph, “You can start texting her at 10 to see when she is coming home.”

At 10, Ralph didn’t get any response. Texting or calling.

I messaged my younger daughter, Patty – Well, Marie is out with friends. I have never met these friends.

Patty – So? You don’t get to be protective like that forever. Let it go.

I texted Marie, and asked her to please call me. She called me at 11:00 and said she was on her way. I could hear the voice of the young man who was bringing her back home in the car. I asked if he was going to bring her home.

When she came home, we didn’t say anything about our concerns. We asked her what she did and did she have a good time. She had a wonderful time. They laughed a lot. Went to a restaurant that several different kinds of locally brewed root beers. They ate fried mushrooms, fried pickles, and chili dogs. We did mention that we would like it in the future if when she went out with her friends to have them drop her off at the condo. That way we wouldn’t have to go out in our car to get her late at night.

Patty is right. We can’t protect her forever. She will have a life of her own even while we live together. 80% of the employees at her job are required to have some sort of disability or health condition that is a barrier to employment. The young man who organized this outing is about 28 and just got his license last year. Four of them went out. Two young women and two young men. It’s normal for some of them to never be able to drive. And they took care of each other.

I’m not sure, but this might have been a date.

I guess I’ll have to get used to it…

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Vulnerability

29 Monday May 2017

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, high functioning autism, Independence

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Patty has been living with her brother, Will, since February. On Wednesday evening, she she messaged me on Facebook.

Can I ask you something

And can you promise not to tell Dad?

Yes.

Will was conned by a young woman asking for money.

Cash?

Of course.

How?

So, she claimed to have fled an abusive relationship in Alabama…. She was at the grocery store. Will went shopping Monday.

Alone.

I was not there. Otherwise, this probably wouldn’t have happened.

How much did he give her?

Quite a bit.

Does she know where you live?

I’m not sure the total amount.

No.

Good.

We kind of know where she is supposed to live.

How do you know he was conned?

I think we need to call the police. Weeell. He went and saw her tonight (she was asking for help again.)

How much?

And she claimed to have lost her wallet. That’s tonight.

She has his contact information?

She asked for $300 more.

Oh no.

Unfortunately, yes.

He gave it to her?

Block her.

Yeah. I know. Sigh. People prey on those with obvious disabilities.

At this point, I began messaging Will. I found out he had been approached by a young African America woman who claimed to be escaping from an abusive relationship. She asked Will for money to pay her rent. She was crying, he said. She told him she would pay him back, and asked for his phone number so she could pay him back when she got the money. However, over the course of three days, she never paid him back. She only pleaded for more money. Over the course of three days, he gave her $1,600.

I asked him if she knew where he lives or his last name.

He said, No. I hope not.

Do you know where she lives? Did you go to her house? Did you take her to your house?

No. I don’t know where she lives.

Block her. Don’t talk to her ever again.

I’ll give her another week to pay back the money.

No. Block her. Consider the money lost, and this an expensive lesson.

Okay.

I knew that he was still unconvinced. He is independent. He is an adult. He’ll say one thing and then do what he wants anyway. After all, he is an adult (29) and doesn’t want to argue with me, his mother. I understand that.

The next morning I received a frantic phone call from Patty. “Mom, that woman called Will and is asking him to buy her food because she is hungry.”

“Go and tell Will to hang up. Right now.”

I heard her hurrying down the stairs. “Mom, said to hang up. Right now!”

Will hung up. Patty handed him her phone.

“Will, don’t talk to her anymore. That money is gone. You will not be able to get it back no matter how much she says she will pay you back. She will only plead with you for more.”

“I know.”

“Block her.” Then I thought, her friends would still be able to call, or she could get a different number. “Change your phone number. Right now.”

“Okay. I will.”

A few minutes later he sent me a Facebook message with the new phone number. Later, he told me that he was relieved that she couldn’t contact him anymore. We went to visit him and Patty yesterday. Privately, I asked him how she could have gotten $1,600 from him in three days. He said, “She just kept tricking me.” I told him that he had a good heart, that he wanted to help a woman in distress. But she took him advantage of that good heart in him. I know, he said.

Oh Lord. How I want to keep him and his sisters safe. I did not think to prepare him for this. Fortunately, Patty who is living with him, tried to stop him. And when he snuck out to give this woman even more money, Patty enlisted me in the effort to stop him. I hate to think what would have happened had Patty not been living with him.

I hope that he will not give into the desire to try to get his money back. That he will not contact her with his new phone number. Oh Lord. Keep him safe.

Adults with autism who are functioning in the adult world may be more vulnerable to scams. Our Will wants to believe good in others. This experience will hopefully make him more wary in the future. He is usually very careful with his money. And the loss of this money did not endanger his ability to pay his bills.

 

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What Will She Do With All Our Stuff?

24 Sunday Jul 2016

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, faith, Independence

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Within a few weeks Marie will be closing on her condo. She will be a home owner at 30.

Then the three of us will be moving together into her condo. We are starting to clean out this house that we have lived in for 21 years as of August 4.

A few years ago I discussed the issue of estate disbursement in this blog post.

https://annkilter.com/2014/03/14/what-would-they-do-with-my-stuff/

This time, the question is no longer speculative. Our real estate agent, Jean, told us that the sale will probably close before mid August. This time, we are moving out of necessity due to Ralph’s cancer. In part because we need to move to a place with fewer maintenance issues; somewhere fresh. In part because we needed to move to a place that is closer to Marie’s job. So that, if we aren’t available to take her to work (likely at some point), she can get herself there. It is 3 miles from her job, a 15 minute bus ride. She could walk if necessary, although that would mean crossing a very busy street. From our current house, it is an hour bus ride. And walking would be impossible.

The job of moving is overwhelming. Decisions. Decisions. What to throw away, what to give away, what to take with us.

Two weeks ago, Will and Patty came to the house to get their stuff before I could have a chance to throw or give it away. Will will never have a reason to say, “I could have had a fortune, but my Mom threw my Pokemon cards away.” Ralph tells the story about his mother who gave away his antique toys when he was away at college. Of course they weren’t antique then. Will and Patty will be coming back next weekend to get more stuff, and to take Daisy, our dog, and one of the cats, Chris, home to Will’s house.

When Will moved out, he took things from our house for his apartment. We also bought a lot of essentials for him like spices, laundry baskets, towels, etc. When Patty moved to her apartment, we did the same thing. But when we move to Marie’s Condo with her, we will be bringing our household goods with us. There will be no need to buy a rice cooker or a toaster. We will have everything we need, and then some.

One of the extra questions I am asking myself as we get ready to move is – will Marie ever have a need for this…or will she have to get rid of it? Marie can’t drive, so getting rid of our stuff is a hassle. Some things are going in the give-away boxes instead. I have announced my abundance of some items on Facebook. I have found a few homes for my extra yarn, and craft stuff. I will still crochet, but unless it is a project currently under construction, I think I will give the rest away.

I’ve taken three trunk loads of stuff to Goodwill so far. Many more to come. I’ll sell a few things, like the piano, the microwave, and tools. I don’t have the desire to run a full-on moving sale. In the next few weeks, if it goes as planned, I will have gotten rid of 50% of our stuff. Marie is going to buy new living room furniture for her condo (she doesn’t want our worn out stuff). So we will get a dumpster and throw those items away. 31 years of accumulation. It will take a while.

 

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