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Last night Patty was very upset because she found out she needed at least two years of a foreign language in order to be accepted into a history graduate program. She just finished up her junior year last week, and she will not have the language requirement completed if she graduates next year. She has one year of Arabic, but she needs an Indo-European language in order to do graduate work in American History.
So she was in despair last night. My suggestions were met with resistance. I said she could take German courses next year, and finish up after she graduates at the community college. She said she needs to finish the requirement before she graduates, which would be very expensive because her scholarship is good for only four years.
Ralph suggested that she work for a year while completing the language requirement at the local community college. Then she could also save some money for grad school.
She countered, “I don’t want to go to work full time. I want to go straight to grad school. If I get a job, I’ll probably meet some guy and get married, and I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to spend my life raising autistic children like you did, Mom. If I have kids, I won’t be able go on to school. I feel that God is calling me to teach history at the college level. And if I don’t go, I’ll miss my calling. I don’t want to get married just because everyone my age is getting married. I have other goals.”
“I don’t want to be like you, Mom. Will can get married and have grand kids for you.”
Blinking back tears, I said, “It’s not important for me to have grandchildren. I know you want to go to grad school. I have never pushed you about getting married and having children. You put that on yourself.”
Ralph added, “Not everything goes as we plan. My life didn’t turn out the way that I wanted. But I met your Mom and that is the most important thing to me. I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world. Maybe you will get married. Don’t close that door. You should continue along the path you are going. This is just a bump in the road. Keep on trying.”
Patty has told me many times that she doesn’t want to spend her life the way that I did – raising autistic children. She is afraid that if she has children, they will have autism. That is a reasonable fear because her brother and sister have a genetic form of autism. (She also has a few autistic traits, but we don’t know if the traits are genetic or environmental.)
I have very mixed feelings regarding the subject of grandchildren. It is very likely that there will be no natural grandchildren in our lives. The realization of this loss struck me about eight years ago when my friends would show me pictures of their grandchildren. Then my younger sister began having grandchildren. She has eight now. On the other hand, what if one of my kids does get married and have children, and what if one of their children also has autism?
I would love that grandchild with all my heart. That is what would happen.
annkilter 
Will would like to get married and he talks about how he would raise his children, but I think that is a long way off. Mary shows no interest whatsoever. And she does not want children.
Wow, thanks for sharing your heart. God bless you!
Thank you. There are challenges at every step along the way in raising our children.
If we could record them and play it back in a few years, maybe then they would understand what love sounds like. Bless you both. Stay focused. She will do what she wants and may have to learn from mistakes. You didn’t set the rule. Maybe she should take it to the Lord and ask Him why the plans aren’t going as she wanted!
The Lord has a way of teaching us what we will not learn any other way. I did suggest to her today that perhaps it is better to take the language courses now, just before entering grad school. Those students who take the language requirements in their freshman and sophomore years may have a more difficult time remembering what they have learned. For her, it will be fresh. I agree with you. I remember thinking the same thing about my mother…that I didn’t want to be like her, a stay-at-home Mom. I went away to college. Then I got married, had children, and I no choice but to stay home with my kids.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. When I think of some of things I said to my mom while growing up, I cringe. But through it all she was undaunted and supportive (even if secretly my words stung at times.) With a daughter of my own, I will follow the example she gave me. Because as I got older, I realized that I would be lucky to be “just like her.”
It is amazing how our perspective changes as we grow older. I appreciate my Mom more and more the older I get. I look in the mirror and see my mother looking back at me, sometimes. And I say some of the same things to my kids. (23, 25, and 26)
Ann, if there is one thing I have learned when my daughter is spewing I just let her and offer very few words as I know just about anything that I say with be the wrong thing! Also, a lot of what she says when she is upset is just that, upset words. Once she is calm, then we talk! 🙂 Patty is probably very focused right now on establishing herself in her ways, not her mother’s ways. She is striving for independence. If graduate school is the way she is to go then, as determined as she sounds, she will get to graduate school. The foreign language requirement will work itself out. My husband went back to school to get his Ph.D. when he was 28, we were married and had Ted. Didn’t stop him and he has been teaching at the university now for 16 years. She will get there and she will understand you and your choices and the life choices adult have to make soon enough. And grandkids. I have thought about that a bit. Ted doesn’t want a relationship and definitely doesn’t want kids. He’s almost 22 so that’s pretty natural. He may never have kids and Meg, well, she’s a long way off too. If there is one thing we have learned in our decades of mothering (and even more just living) is there are no guarantees about anything in life. When we have kids we don’t get a promise they will have kids. What I want more than anything is for my kids to be happy, in whatever form that takes, and if they are happy then I am happy and with that happiness then I can accept grandkids or no grandkids. I will make my happiness regardless.
I hope you are okay. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Warm regards,
Charlotte
Charlotte, you are so right. When I think of how far my kids have come, I don’t want anything more for them, but to become responsible, caring, and independent adults, to the extent that they are able to. I hope they are happy with the choices they make. And find joy in their lives.
As a teenager I said the dreaded words, “I will not be a mother, I want to be an Auntie and just swan in from Europe with armloads of presents for all my siblings children.” Famous last words….
At 23 I gave birth to my eldest son, and I am now mother to 8 children. Some I gave birth to, and others I just love as much as if I had.
When we are young we say what is on our minds right now, we have no idea what God and life have in store for us.
Each and every day I thank God for the strength he has given me, and the love that surrounds me with all these beautiful children.
Tell Patty to take life as it comes, never say never! Trust me, she may just miss out on the life she was born for.
You are so right. She does not know what her calling will actually be. But if she doesn’t attempt to make a go of it, she will probably not get her goal. But maybe God has placed this urging in her heart. She may well have a husband in her future, and possibly children.
Lovely post. When people are young, they really have no idea how they will feel down the road. They lack the long view. But they have all kind of other great qualities of course …
Thank you. Yes, determination, goals, dreams, etc. Although she says that being a history major has created a degree of cynicism in her. A historian is a sort of detective, winnowing out the biases of other writers via the use of evidence and source documents.
That sounds really tough, I sympathize.. Just the other day I was talking to some friends about how much autism can affect families. Mental health problems really dig deep into the infrastructure of families and can change so much…
My mom’s sick. Not with autism, but it’s really affected us, too, ..and it’s been a huge battle for me to be comfortable with procreation because of the genetic susceptibility thing.
It has taken me a lot of time to come to terms with myself about it, and I realize that because life doesn’t work out how we plan it, it also means that one day I may have a child regardless of what I think right now.
It may bring some comfort to remember that people change.. the body likes to wait for a good time to turn on certain instincts. So, grandchildren may come as long as she is allowed to grow and find comfort in herself in her own way .. best of luck with things.
Thank you. You never know what might happen. For now though, it is a long way off, I think. Maybe. I have floated the idea of adoption. Many children need parents. For now, I have adopted the children of my coworkers. 🙂
My boy wants to be on the first manned space mission to Mars. He really wants to. The filtered atmosphere and adherence to strict hygiene is a big incentive. He’s so serious he’s started applying himself to maths — which isn’t his favourite. But I tell him the Mandarin he’d studying — and doing quite well at that’s to those high functioning motor skills of his — will hold him in good stead. If anyone’s going to go to space in the next millennium it will probably be the Chinese.
I had a friend once who told me the greatest thing his singing teacher ever did for him was tell him he had no talent — and that he would never fulfil his dream of being an Opera singer. I’m a teacher too. I teach acting, theatre-making, writing. I could never tell a student they had no talent. Or realise their dream. Even if I thought it. Because the only truth I really have — is that life turns on the head of a pin — and that people need to discover life — and all it’s ups and downs — for themselves — and if they are allowed to — one door might close — but another opens.
At least that’s my experience.
Thanks for the blog Ann : )
Thank you. I hope your son finds his dream. Or at least is able to channel his talent and interests into something that satisfies him. My son finally settled on computers. He is now working for a technology company doing programming.
A daughter who knows what she wants indeed! Words can sting for sure, and its is often not until you lived some life that you see how much someone has sacrificed for us. I hope to have my daughter be as confident in what she wants someday and the courage to fullfill it.
Great post!
I don’t think I understood what my parents had done for me until I had children of my own. Then I began to understand their motivations and their sacrifices.
What powerful stuff. What incredible children. Just enjoy what you have achieved, right now in this moment.
Sort of like being on a long roller coaster…and at the end, when you have made through and realize that you have made it.
Ah, this sounds familiar. Not the raising-autistic-children part – of that I have no experience. My daughter was struggling to finish her college degree, trying to fit a history major and an education minor into the allotted 4 years. The college made it, in the end, impossible, suggesting casually that she be a “super senior,” which we could not afford. She had to completely change her goals/plans in order to graduate with her class. I agree- when you’ve made it through, you’ve made it.
She’ll have to take some of her German at the community college. Her brother’s school dropped IT, which was his major. Everyone else in the program transferred to a different school, but his scholarships were at this school – and not at other schools. So he took the extra classes that he needed at the community college as a guest student. You are right. These schools make decisions without regard to the commitments they’ve made.
We know that having a plan is part life.
My husband has 2 brothers with a handicap so he tries to live a well ordered life, planned out. I think its to compensate for his siblings short comings in his eyes. Hoping Patty can experience something that will let her see that taking life as it comes, IS LIFE.
Short comings are only a thought, not a way of life.
Blessings to you.
Patty has a lot to deal with as she comes into adulthood. One more year of undergrad, then moving for grad school. I can’t imagine her living a well-ordered life. But she is very goal oriented. At some point, she may come to a point of acceptance, and hopefully appreciation for the family God has placed her in.