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~ What ships are for…

annkilter

Category Archives: Independence

Moving

09 Saturday Jul 2016

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, cancer, faith, high functioning autism, Independence

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asperger's syndrome, autism, cancer, downsize, downsizing, myelodysplastic syndrome

Well…

Things are changing quickly. On Saturday, on our way to go fishing, I said to Ralph, “We should take some money out your 401k to help Marie make a down payment on a condo.” He was open to the idea.

The next morning, I said we should look for a condo. He said there was no way we could find a suitable condo in our price range. I said to him, “God has provided for us in so many ways. He provided the money for you to go to college, and you graduated from college with no debt. He led us to this neighborhood where our kids received an excellent education in a tiny school district. Our kids were more successful than we could have imagined. God provided the funds for them to go to college. Don’t you think that if he has been faithful with that, he would be faithful for our need to find another place?” (I went on to list more instances of God’s provision for us in our lives.)

Then he went to the computer and started looking up condos for sale. “Here’s one we could afford. Two bedroom, two bath.”  That is, one that Marie could afford. We cannot get a mortgage due to our debt and medical bills. We showed the condo to Marie, and suggested we go over and look at the outside of it.

I wrote an email to a real estate agent that we have been working with for the past six months. I told her about Ralph’s cancer and wondered if Marie would be able to buy a condo, and we could move in with her and pay rent to her. She emailed me back and said that it wasn’t likely because the real estate market here is so hot…and some condos are getting 20 bids with some bids exceeding appraisal values. She doubted we could find anything soon.

45 minutes later, she called me and told me about the same condo that we were planning to look at the outside of. We went over with them and instead looked at the inside and outside of it. Nice. Very nice. It has a den/dining room with french doors that we could use for a clean room should Ralph’s white blood cell count dip to dangerous levels. Two full bathrooms, two bedrooms. A gas fireplace. And only two miles from Marie’s job.

Out in the car we all agreed that we liked it and should make an offer on it. We made an offer on Tuesday night at the full asking price. At 6:30 the next morning, our real estate agent told us that the seller accepted Marie’s offer, but only if we could sign the acceptance by noon. Marie did that. Now she is going through the process of getting the mortgage. Next week are the inspections. Then the appraisal. Then hopefully the closing not too long after that.

Then we move out of this old house. Now to choose what to take, what to sell, and what to throw away. The thought is overwhelming. Will is planning to take our old dog, Daisy, and one of the old cats, Chris. We will take the old cat, Mistletoe and the two younger cats.

Then we sell this house. We are downsizing. We won’t even “own” our own house. But we will have a place to live. And Marie, although she is qualified for this mortgage and has excellent credit, will find it easier to pay the mortgage and other costs with us paying rent. She could have the condo paid off fairly quickly. Marie told us a few months ago that she did not want to live alone. We are very fortunate to have her as a daughter. We never imagined that our daughter who spent 13 years in special education, but went on to obtain a college degree in accounting, would come to our rescue. We are praying that everything goes smoothly with no hitches.

home-sweet-condo-retro

Hope Deferred – Marie

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, cancer, Independence

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

asperger's, autism, cancer, independence, myelodysplastic syndrome, stem cell transplant

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

Yesterday, I took Marie to an apartment building in our town to look at a one bedroom apartment. Normally, this building has a long waiting list for one bedroom apartments. The rates are reasonable, and many residents are long-term. This apartment was available, I suspect, because it was being reconditioned. It is going to have completely new flooring installed. The apartment is modest, but pretty nice for a first apartment. It is less than a 20 minute bus ride to her job. Very important because Marie will never be able to drive.

Marie was going to write a check to reserve the apartment after work today. She was so excited to move into her own place.

Today, I received an urgent call from Denise from our health insurance company. She told me the local transplant center was out of network for them. If we chose to have Ralph evaluated there, our insurance company would pay 60%, leaving us on the hook for 40%, which would cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars. Completely out of our price range. The approved stem cell transplant centers are over a hundred miles away. We would need to travel and stay at hotels for Ralph’s treatment.

Marie will be 30 this summer. Her younger brother moved out four years ago to take a job in another city. He bought his own house a year ago. Her younger sister, Patty, moved to Ohio to pursue a graduate degree. She had to get an apartment.

Marie has been waiting to get her own place. She is the most impaired of her siblings; so her journey toward independence has been drawn out. Still, I believe she is ready. And moving to her own place would relieve us of the responsibility of driving her to her job (a precious job which took her four years to land after college.)

But she pays rent and transportation to us, which I am sorry to say is something that we need to make ends meet. Especially now that we will have to find a way to pay extra expenses for Ralph’s treatment. And we need someone to house sit our dog and our house if and when we need to be gone for a while. Our old dog is not nice to strangers. We need her at home. Yet she longs to be on her own. We need her help.

It’s not fair.

But she is willing at this point to help us. Of our children, Marie is the most selfless; like her father. I hope we can figure out a way for her to take this step sooner. And maybe this loss will turn out to be for the best.
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

Hope-Deferred

 

Kilter Family Update – The Next Stage

05 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Independence

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

autism, change, empty nest, next stage, onward, transition

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” John Shedd.

My blog posts have slowed down this year. This is due in part to the chaos in my life due to Ralph’s health issues. I just haven’t had the time or energy to devote to writing.

It may also be due to the fact that our kids are leaving the nest and moving on with their lives. I am in the process of letting go, and I feel a need to allow them more privacy.

I’ve received some more reminders lately that the ropes are being cast off and their ships are sailing out of the harbor.

I struggle with the idea of them dating, making decisions with the tag – “just letting you know, Mom….” As if I have no say in the matter! 🙂

They were all home for Christmas and it was wonderful. We enjoyed our turkey dinner. We watched It’s A Wonderful Life. On Christmas morning we turned on the Yule Log movie on Netflix.

Mary’s gift to us was rebuilding my old computer so that I could do my writing and Ralph could play games. Will gave us a new monitor to go with it. Patty gave us a gift card to Olive Garden. They know how to give good gifts…

We talked about going to see the Star Wars movie at the movie theater over New Year’s weekend while visiting Will at his house. Will let me know later in the day that he was planning to see us in February around his birthday. He had plans for another date on New Year’s with a girl he has been chatting with on-line for a while.

While home from University, Patty told me that she was planning to apply for a job at a national historical site, and that if she gets the job, she would not be staying with us this summer. Just letting us know, not asking our opinion, she said.

Mary is planning to live with us for a few more years and save up to buy a condo or a small house. Ralph is recommending a house with paid maintenance. My preference is that she buy a condo. But it is up to her, and she has to make up her own mind. She has been working full time for almost a year.

Ralph is continuing to recover his health, but has had some set backs. He is doing the emotional work of adjusting to disability and retirement. Everything is different for him. He is struggling with loneliness and finding a sense of purpose. I make suggestions, but he told me that he is still recovering and he doesn’t have the energy to take up something new right now.

As for me, I feel a bit at loose ends. Things are changing for me, too. My relationships with my husband and children are different. I probably won’t write about the process. Some of it is exciting. Some, not so much. After a year’s absence, I am planning to get involved with my writing group again. I am thinking about trying my hand at writing some fiction. I have a couple of ideas. I may start a different blog, not related to autism. Having a working computer in my writing corner is a big help.

Thank you all for going on this journey with me.

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Panic – What’s a Mom to Do?

22 Sunday Nov 2015

Posted by Ann Kilter in Achievement, Autism, Independence, Transition issues

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

adult with autism, asperger's, Asperger's. autism, independence, panic

Thanks to technology, I can know instantly when my grown children are having a panic attack. No ESP or Mom’s intuition required.

Ping! The Facebook messenger notifies me. Pop! A text message announces itself. My computer makes another noise at work as a panicky email appears, ghost like and then fades.

My grown kids can reach out and touch me in so many ways. 🙂

Will lives 70 miles away in the state capitol. In the last three months, Ralph or I have received panicky communication regarding the following:

Anguished decision making regarding whether to make a job change. After four interviews, a job offer came with higher pay and more responsibility. Will accepted the job offer. The a few hours later, I received a phone call on the way home from work. He had crashed his car. It was less than a year old. “If only I hadn’t decided to drive to Verizon to reward myself with a new phone. I was too tired, too wound up to concentrate properly.”

“Will,” I said. “Accidents happen. Are you hurt? Is anyone else hurt?” “I don’t know. They are checking out a senior citizen. Here comes a police officer. I need to hang up.”

A few minutes later, he called back. “I can’t find my registration. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.” “Will, people have that situation all the time. The police officer will know what to do.” The officer was able to look it up on his computer in his car.

Ralph went into rescue mode and drove to Will’s house, cleaned his house, cooked his meals.

The following Monday Will gave his two week notice to his current company. The next day, they came back with a better offer. Will was a mess, in a panic, losing sleep. He suffered high anxiety over a wonderful, dreadful choice. His dad stayed all week long, feeding him and cleaning house while he made his choice and he drove a rented car while his car was repaired. He stayed with his current company at twice the pay.

A few weeks later, his stove stopped working, after several attempts to keep it hobbling along. Ralph was on the phone with him several times convincing him to buy a good quality stove. Then, the day before Will had to leave for a business trip, the stove was delivered but couldn’t be hooked up due to the lack of qualifications of the delivery team to hook it up to gas. Ralph was staying at Will’s house for two weeks to take care of his three cats. So Ralph had no stove, but also was able to deal with the delivery people. They delivered the stove again, but the gas line was not up to code. Finally, after Will arrived home, the stove was hooked up.

Meanwhile, Patty was panicking during her first few weeks at Grad School. Her iritis finally went away a week after she arrived. During her first week, on the way to a required faculty party in her department, she fell while trying to catch the bus, getting some sore muscles and scratched up hands and face. She sent me an email while she sat in her office thinking about whether she would go to the party.

“Do you have to go? You could go home and tell them that you didn’t feel well.”

“I have to go. I’m an adult and I have to go, even though I was crying.”

“Well, if you have to go, give yourself a little rest.”

She walked over to the hotel, and went to the wine and cheese party. I prayed for her. What else could I do? I received a call at 10:00 p.m. “It went better than I thought. I was the only one who didn’t drink, but it was okay. I talked to my adviser; she was nicer than I thought, but a little loopy. They had food, but some of the grad students were disappointed there wasn’t pizza. We were all hungry.”

“Did you walk home?”

“No, another girl and I said we didn’t have a car, and one of the older grad students had pity on us and gave both of us a ride home.”

Patty was terrified of leading a discussion section. Her position was changed to grading only, which has worked out well for her.

She had awful, horrible cramps and finally went to the doctor, who put her on the pill. And said, given our family history of endometriosis, it was likely she had the classic symptoms. And that part of her problem was living away from home for the first time.

Last week she came down with influenza, and later this week, her iritis came back. She was frustrated that she couldn’t get through to her eye doctor. “I don’t have time for an appointment…but I have to go. I might go blind if I let this go. Maybe I’ll have to go to the ER.

“No. Don’t go to the ER. You don’t need to go to the ER. You can wait for an appointment.” At my desk at work, I looked up her doctor and called the office. I got right through. “My daughter likely has iritis and needs to see the doctor.” I made an appointment for Monday. And emailed her the time of the appointment. I sent her the correct phone number. (I look up medical providers for my job in order to obtain medical records for Medicare Set-Aside Proposals.) She called and changed the appointment and insisted the receptionist call the doctor and see if it was okay for her to start the treatment. She can take of herself, after all.

Most of Will’s panicky calls for help come to his father by phone. Most of Patty’s cries for help come via email, text, or Facebook messages.

What’s a parent to do as our kids start out on their own? Pray, give advice, and pray some more.

Help

 

 

Checking Items off the List. (and the days)

06 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by Ann Kilter in Independence

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asperger's, autism, empty nest, independence, moving away from home

“One good thing about moving away,” said Patty, “is I don’t have to eat what I don’t like.” Oh the woes of family meals.

“Reminds me of what President Bush said.” I said.

She laughed.

“Now that I am president, no one can make me eat Broccoli,” she said.

Perhaps her thoughts regarding food freedom were inspired by the “Tuesday Night Chicken,” I had just served for supper (from the Frugal Paleo Cookbook). Or perhaps from the list we have been making of all the things she will need for her apartment at the University.

It’s a long list. Despite the fact that the apartment will be furnished. She bought a set of stoneware dishes at Goodwill, along with some glasses. She has let me know some of the items she is planning to take from my kitchen. Like my hand mixer, because she says I never bake (true). And she picked out the color to suit her when I bought it a couple of years ago (bright orange). Some of my glass baking pans and some of my cookie sheets. I hope she will take more of my stuff, as I am in a continual process of getting rid of stuff so they won’t have to when I can’t. (https://annkilter.com/2014/03/14/what-would-they-do-with-my-stuff/). Grandma has some pans she would like Patty to have.

Mostly kitchen stuff this time. Toiletries. Laundry items. Towels. Cleaning supplies. Food – pantry items. Paper. Printer ink. Key ring. We keep thinking of new stuff. She would like a new laptop, but that will have to come later. For now, she can take an older one from home.

There are boxes in the window seat. We throw stuff into them as we obtain them (or find them, as in the category of stuff I am getting rid of).

Her birthday was last week. She requested small kitchen appliances from her siblings and from us. We haven’t purchased them yet because the smaller “college dorm” versions are not in the stores yet, on sale. They will be soon.

Patty has about five weeks to go until she moves away from home. Last week she opened a bank account. We hope she will have her driver’s license by the time she leaves (although she will still be an inexperienced driver).

We went out for coffee to talk. She said she is excited and frightened at the same time. She doesn’t know what kind of job she will be doing. If she will have to speak in front of students. I told her that she would probably meet with them weekly. Although she was a teacher’s assistant as an undergrad for two and a half years, the job will likely be different. She went to a small school. I went to Michigan State University, and I know how that works at large universities. She hates public speaking, but I assured her that she would get used to it.

She doesn’t know how she will pay for the first month’s rent before she gets paid or her student loan comes in. She should have gotten a job this summer, but I am conflicted. I felt better about having her around so someone was with Ralph during the day. Not that he really, really needs that now. But still. And he is teaching her to drive. They both have gone to my son’s house to babysit his cats and house sit while he was in Seattle for his job three different weeks this spring/summer. I felt better about having Patty there with him then. Especially then. Patty painted his deck while he was gone. He is going to pay her for that.

Somehow, God willing, we will get her there. With planning, prayer, and effort. And we will likely still forget something important.

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