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~ What ships are for…

annkilter

Tag Archives: transition

He’s Left The Harbor

27 Thursday Dec 2018

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, cancer, Independence, labels, Transition issues, Uncategorized, writing

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

achievement, adult with autism, asperger's, autism, transition, writing

“There’s a rumor we may need to go to London around the first of the year,” said Will, via Facebook Messanger to me, Ralph, and Patty. He sent this to us from Atlanta while on a business trip in November.

Will has definitely left the harbor. He owns his own home in another city. He goes on several business trips a year. This year he has spent time in New York City, Los Angeles, Atlanta, and probably somewhere else I am forgetting.

I started this blog in 2011 at Will’s urging. That is, I started writing again. After he graduated from college. He encouraged me to go to a local writing group, and there I learned how to blog.

From 2011 to 2014, I posted once a week on average. After Ralph’s health emergency in 2014, the blog faltered. I lost focus. My entries were not solely grounded in transition issues for young adults on the spectrum transitioning to adulthood.

I wonder what direction I should go from here.

Should I consider closing it down? Our kids are in their late 20s to early 30s. Will and Marie have jobs and mortgages. Patty is struggling for direction, but lives with her brother. Patty has said to me directly that she doesn’t want me to identify them as having any struggles growing up. It is important for their careers that they not be identified as ever having been on the spectrum. I struggle with this, because it has been so much of my life, raising them, and helping them achieve what they have. But I can see her perspective. On the other hand, she has told me that I need to write the story of our family. If I don’t, she has said she will. She wants to see my journals. However, I don’t know if she could handle the rawness of those emotions. I stopped journaling when they learned to read well.

Should I gather up these blog entries and put them in a collection of essays and publish them under the pseudonym of this blog. What if that becomes successful? Will they be “outed?”

If nothing else, this blog has been cathartic for me. It has helped me understand and process some of the history of our family. Our struggles, emotions, etc. But I don’t know if I should just shut it down. Throw it away. Act as if it didn’t happen.

And then there is the question of whether I should keep writing, and further, what I should write about. So pray for me, my readers and fellow bloggers. I don’t know what direction I should go now. Write fiction, stories, reviews, poetry, etc. What would I write about. I have been busy the last few years just taking care of myself and Ralph, who has cancer. But things have settled down since the diagnosis and subsequent move to the condo with our oldest daughter, Marie. So this spring I have planned to go to a writers’ retreat at the urging of my psychiatrist. He said I need to take care of myself and get away. But I am at a crossroad. I hope nothing prevents me from going to the retreat. It is paid for. I am still a member of my writing group, even though I don’t meet with them in purpose.

Will is out of the harbor. Patty lives with him. We live with Marie in her condo. Maybe it’s time to close the door on this chapter. But I don’t know what direction I want to go next. I just know I want to keep writing.

What say you?

Kilter Family Update – The Next Stage

05 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Independence

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

autism, change, empty nest, next stage, onward, transition

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” John Shedd.

My blog posts have slowed down this year. This is due in part to the chaos in my life due to Ralph’s health issues. I just haven’t had the time or energy to devote to writing.

It may also be due to the fact that our kids are leaving the nest and moving on with their lives. I am in the process of letting go, and I feel a need to allow them more privacy.

I’ve received some more reminders lately that the ropes are being cast off and their ships are sailing out of the harbor.

I struggle with the idea of them dating, making decisions with the tag – “just letting you know, Mom….” As if I have no say in the matter! ๐Ÿ™‚

They were all home for Christmas and it was wonderful. We enjoyed our turkey dinner. We watched It’s A Wonderful Life. On Christmas morning we turned on the Yule Log movie on Netflix.

Mary’s gift to us was rebuilding my old computer so that I could do my writing and Ralph could play games. Will gave us a new monitor to go with it. Patty gave us a gift card to Olive Garden. They know how to give good gifts…

We talked about going to see the Star Wars movie at the movie theater over New Year’s weekend while visiting Will at his house. Will let me know later in the day that he was planning to see us in February around his birthday. He had plans for another date on New Year’s with a girl he has been chatting with on-line for a while.

While home from University, Patty told me that she was planning to apply for a job at a national historical site, and that if she gets the job, she would not be staying with us this summer. Just letting us know, not asking our opinion, she said.

Mary is planning to live with us for a few more years and save up to buy a condo or a small house. Ralph is recommending a house with paid maintenance. My preference is that she buy a condo. But it is up to her, and she has to make up her own mind. She has been working full time for almost a year.

Ralph is continuing to recover his health, but has had some set backs. He is doing the emotional work of adjusting to disability and retirement. Everything is different for him. He is struggling with loneliness and finding a sense of purpose. I make suggestions, but he told me that he is still recovering and he doesn’t have the energy to take up something new right now.

As for me, I feel a bit at loose ends. Things are changing for me, too. My relationships with my husband and children are different. I probably won’t write about the process. Some of it is exciting. Some, not so much. After a year’s absence, I am planning to get involved with my writing group again. I am thinking about trying my hand at writing some fiction. I have a couple of ideas. I may start a different blog, not related to autism. Having a working computer in my writing corner is a big help.

Thank you all for going on this journey with me.

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An Emptier Nest

24 Monday Aug 2015

Posted by Ann Kilter in Transition issues

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

asperger's, autism, empty nest, graduate school, transition

Two down, one to go.

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About a week ago, I took Patty to University. Her brother Will went with us to help with the driving and help with the move. The trip down there was 434 miles (Google’s estimate). We had to stop every two hours so Patty could put her eye drops for her iritis in. We left at 7:30 and arrived at about 3:45 p.m.

I am so glad Will came with us. He kept Patty busy with conversation and did do some of the driving. He helped me carry things from my little red car up to Patty’s new apartment. “I’m amazed you go all of this stuff in your little car,” he said.ย  He went with us to Staples and bought her a printer and an office chair. Then he went to Wal-Mart and bought a T.V. for her. (His sister, Mary paid for part of the T.V.)

We left Patty to sleep in her new apartment, while we slept in an economy hotel. She said she slept surprisingly well, despite her new situation. We went to Aldi’s and Kroger and stocked her cupboards and refrigerator. We tried to do what we could to make her life comfortable and supplied so that she wouldn’t have to go to the store right away, since she has no car.

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Will cooked spaghetti sauce and chili and packed it up in freezer containers so she would have something easy to warm up for meals. His dad did the same for him when he moved away three years ago.

When we left, we hugged long and hard. After we left she told us that she cried for two hours. She has to face everything in new surroundings, dealing with a fairly serious health issue, and missing her family. The second day, she told us she cried less. and she went to the ophthalmologist in her town, and found out that her iritis is gone. The doctor told herย  She has to taper off the steroids; and is hoping that it won’t come back. She has been busier every day, met her advisers, and other graduate students in her department, along with the professor she is working for. Tomorrow she begins both her own classes and the class she will be T.A. -ing.

I drove all the way back; Will’s back was aching. Although he does drive his own car, he is an inexperienced driver, especially in the dark in the rain. We talked all the way back, even though he wanted to sleep. We had to pull over on the freeway in a large city because it was raining so hard. God kept us safe. We stopped at a hotel on the way home because I was too tired to drive anymore. But we got home. Will told me that helping his sister out was “worth it.” We talked about his beliefs, his home life, work life, struggles with making friends, and longing for a wife. In listening to him, I was overcome with joy at the man Will is becoming.

Our home is quieter, much quieter. Patty’s personality is big, effervescent, loud. (Our semi-feral cat, Wendy is officially afraid of her noise). Ralph misses her intensely. She took a year off between undergrad and graduate school. She has been home for him through his illness. It gave me some comfort to have her home. I went shopping for groceries Monday night. I had to stop myself from buying food that she likes. It was unsettling.

We are praying Patty will be successful, make friends in her new home, find fellowship in a church, grow spiritually and professionally.

Our nest is emptying out. Maybe Mary will move next summer. Then we will have to decide what to do with this four bedroom house. A transition for all of us. This is what we’ve been working for all this time. Thank you, Lord. It feels so odd, now that it is here.

Ann.

 

 

 

 

 

Road Trip

17 Sunday May 2015

Posted by Ann Kilter in Independence

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Asperger's. autism, independence, transition

In about an hour and 25 minutes, Patty and I are supposed to leave the house and travel 400 miles to visit the town and university where she will be studying for her master’s degree. In history.

She doesn’t have her license yet, so she will not be driving. By the time she moves down in August, we are hoping she will be driving, although she won’t have a car right away.

We are going to look for an apartment that is close to campus and a grocery store and is safe. Is that too much to ask? The apartments are going fast….so I hope we are not too late.

We are planning to stop at Will’s house for breakfast on the way. That is about 100 miles away. 1/4 of the journey.

7:00 a.m. is our planned departure time. It is now 5:57 a.m. I am nearly packed. I have to wake her up. Get Breakfast. Get moving. So why am I sitting here, writing this?

This is the beginning of getting my second child out of the nest (she is the youngest). Today, we’ll see the place she will be living. At least we’ll see the university where she will be studying. And hopefully find the place.

Mary plans to move out next May. We could have an empty nest within the year. ๐Ÿ™‚

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Life on the Other End of the Tether

07 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Independence, Transition issues

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

asperger's, autism, independence, life on a tether, transition

Life’s not so easy on the other end of the tether, either.

Mary is dependent on us for most of her transportation. We live in a mid size city in the Midwest. We have public transportation, but it leaves something to be desired. Six of the communities in our town have voted to support the bus system. The rest of them voted no on paying for buses, which means large parts of the metropolitan area are inaccessible to people who can’t drive or don’t have a car.

We have been driving her back and forth to work since the beginning of February. We are happy to do it, but it adds an extra 90 minutes of driving to our days. It’s a great opportunity to talk to Mary every day, hear how it is going, how she is feeling about her future, what her plans are.

Still, Mary is feeling the strain of the tether, and so are we.

“When I was unpacking Will’s clothes in his room with Aunt Mary, I felt so jealous. I wanted my own apartment or condo. I wanted to move out, but I know I need to have patience,” said Mary one morning on the way to work.

Over the last year or so, Mary and I have had many discussions about where she would live, how she would get around, how she would meet her own needs. Having a full time job has transformed her wishes to plans.

Finding an apartment or a condo which is near a main bus line rather than a tertiary bus route, is essential. The apartments closest to her job have bus transportation from 5:00 a.m. to 9:00 am and from 4:00 pm to 9:00 pm. A few bus routes have service from 5:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and on Weekends. Not many though. But she is doing the research.

“I have to have transportation for when you aren’t able to take me to work anymore,” she said.

“I’ll still be around,” I said.

“But you might not be available to take me to work every day. I would still like you to take me grocery shopping. Apartments don’t seem to located near grocery stores. At least not the ones near my job, with dependable bus routes.”

Mary is dependent on us for transportation to work, church, the doctor and dentist, grocery store, shopping for clothes, and furniture. That will need to change. She goes to church with us now, but our church is not on a bus route, so either we will need to give her a ride, or she will have to find a church which is near her apartment/condo.

She wants to get to work on her own, have her own place. When, not if, she moves out, all of these issues will have to be considered. She told Ralph last week that she would like to move in about a year during the spring or fall. That should be enough time to save some money and figure out how she will provide for her own needs.

This blog has veered off the topic of transition for the last several months due to Ralph’s illness and hospitalizations. But really, his health issues are germane to the topic of transition. We have been unable to take her where she needed to go this fall. Our friends have helped out when we couldn’t. Chaos entered our lives, and we couldn’t provide for Mary.

“I know I can’t always depend on you and Dad,” said Mary. It’s true. So she is making her own plans to break the tether.

tetherbroken

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