Tag Archives: empty nest

Getting Used to It…

31 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Independence

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“I’m going out with work friends after work. They will bring me back to work so you can pick me up.” Marie’s text message on Friday afternoon to Ralph and I.

I paused before replying.  Not asking us. Just informing us.

Marie is the oldest and last of our children to move toward independence. Both Will and Patty are living together in another city. In the first part of 2016, we strongly urged Marie to move out of our house and find an apartment or a condo. We looked up apartment complexes and visited several. Ralph met a real estate agent/nurse at his cardiac rehab program and Marie and I looked at condos with her. Twice we were at the stage of signing papers; one to buy a one bedroom condo, one to rent an apartment. Only to back away at the last moment.

We went to Ohio for a weekend to pick up Patty from  grad school, leaving Marie at home alone. Marie cannot drive and had no friends that we knew of to hang around with. She was lonely and bored. After we got back, she informed us that she did not want to live alone. She then went up to her room and used half of the money she had saved for the down payment on a condo to pay off some of her student loans.

So much for our efforts to push her toward independence.

Then Ralph was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer in June. Our doctor made an appointment for him to be evaluated by a bone marrow transplant team in July.

I realized that we had to move out of our 100 year old house due to his immune deficiency, especially if he was going to get a bone marrow transplant.

To be honest, I had long talked about moving. I felt overwhelmed by all the stuff in our house, by the maintenance work that we could not keep up with, by the outside chores. Ralph had been ill since the fall of 2014. When I talked about moving, he said, “We can’t move until I have fixed it up.” But he wasn’t strong enough to do the work. And I didn’t have the time or the skill.

So I suggested helping Marie with a down payment on a condo, and having her get a mortgage with her job and her stellar credit. She had savings and no debt except her remaining student loan payments. And I believe God prepared this condo for this situation in our lives. This was the only property we looked at. We took a tour on July 3, 2016. Marie signed the mortgage on August 11, 2016. We moved in on August 20.

Instead of Marie living with us in our house, we are now living with Marie in her condo.

So yesterday, she let us know she was going out after work with Friends. With people we don’t know. Friends she had made at the job that God supplied. The first time she has ever done this alone. We have always supervised her outings or made sure she was with people that we knew and trusted. For me, it was almost as hard as the day that Will got on a plane by himself and flew to California for a week. I was nervous. But I couldn’t say no.

At eight, I texted her to see how it was going.

“We are walking around Rockford. We are having a good time,” she replied.

As the evening wore on, I said to Ralph, “You can start texting her at 10 to see when she is coming home.”

At 10, Ralph didn’t get any response. Texting or calling.

I messaged my younger daughter, Patty – Well, Marie is out with friends. I have never met these friends.

Patty – So? You don’t get to be protective like that forever. Let it go.

I texted Marie, and asked her to please call me. She called me at 11:00 and said she was on her way. I could hear the voice of the young man who was bringing her back home in the car. I asked if he was going to bring her home.

When she came home, we didn’t say anything about our concerns. We asked her what she did and did she have a good time. She had a wonderful time. They laughed a lot. Went to a restaurant that several different kinds of locally brewed root beers. They ate fried mushrooms, fried pickles, and chili dogs. We did mention that we would like it in the future if when she went out with her friends to have them drop her off at the condo. That way we wouldn’t have to go out in our car to get her late at night.

Patty is right. We can’t protect her forever. She will have a life of her own even while we live together. 80% of the employees at her job are required to have some sort of disability or health condition that is a barrier to employment. The young man who organized this outing is about 28 and just got his license last year. Four of them went out. Two young women and two young men. It’s normal for some of them to never be able to drive. And they took care of each other.

I’m not sure, but this might have been a date.

I guess I’ll have to get used to it…

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Kilter Family Update – The Next Stage

05 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Independence

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“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” John Shedd.

My blog posts have slowed down this year. This is due in part to the chaos in my life due to Ralph’s health issues. I just haven’t had the time or energy to devote to writing.

It may also be due to the fact that our kids are leaving the nest and moving on with their lives. I am in the process of letting go, and I feel a need to allow them more privacy.

I’ve received some more reminders lately that the ropes are being cast off and their ships are sailing out of the harbor.

I struggle with the idea of them dating, making decisions with the tag – “just letting you know, Mom….” As if I have no say in the matter! 🙂

They were all home for Christmas and it was wonderful. We enjoyed our turkey dinner. We watched It’s A Wonderful Life. On Christmas morning we turned on the Yule Log movie on Netflix.

Mary’s gift to us was rebuilding my old computer so that I could do my writing and Ralph could play games. Will gave us a new monitor to go with it. Patty gave us a gift card to Olive Garden. They know how to give good gifts…

We talked about going to see the Star Wars movie at the movie theater over New Year’s weekend while visiting Will at his house. Will let me know later in the day that he was planning to see us in February around his birthday. He had plans for another date on New Year’s with a girl he has been chatting with on-line for a while.

While home from University, Patty told me that she was planning to apply for a job at a national historical site, and that if she gets the job, she would not be staying with us this summer. Just letting us know, not asking our opinion, she said.

Mary is planning to live with us for a few more years and save up to buy a condo or a small house. Ralph is recommending a house with paid maintenance. My preference is that she buy a condo. But it is up to her, and she has to make up her own mind. She has been working full time for almost a year.

Ralph is continuing to recover his health, but has had some set backs. He is doing the emotional work of adjusting to disability and retirement. Everything is different for him. He is struggling with loneliness and finding a sense of purpose. I make suggestions, but he told me that he is still recovering and he doesn’t have the energy to take up something new right now.

As for me, I feel a bit at loose ends. Things are changing for me, too. My relationships with my husband and children are different. I probably won’t write about the process. Some of it is exciting. Some, not so much. After a year’s absence, I am planning to get involved with my writing group again. I am thinking about trying my hand at writing some fiction. I have a couple of ideas. I may start a different blog, not related to autism. Having a working computer in my writing corner is a big help.

Thank you all for going on this journey with me.

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An Emptier Nest

24 Monday Aug 2015

Posted by in Transition issues

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Two down, one to go.

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About a week ago, I took Patty to University. Her brother Will went with us to help with the driving and help with the move. The trip down there was 434 miles (Google’s estimate). We had to stop every two hours so Patty could put her eye drops for her iritis in. We left at 7:30 and arrived at about 3:45 p.m.

I am so glad Will came with us. He kept Patty busy with conversation and did do some of the driving. He helped me carry things from my little red car up to Patty’s new apartment. “I’m amazed you go all of this stuff in your little car,” he said.  He went with us to Staples and bought her a printer and an office chair. Then he went to Wal-Mart and bought a T.V. for her. (His sister, Mary paid for part of the T.V.)

We left Patty to sleep in her new apartment, while we slept in an economy hotel. She said she slept surprisingly well, despite her new situation. We went to Aldi’s and Kroger and stocked her cupboards and refrigerator. We tried to do what we could to make her life comfortable and supplied so that she wouldn’t have to go to the store right away, since she has no car.

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Will cooked spaghetti sauce and chili and packed it up in freezer containers so she would have something easy to warm up for meals. His dad did the same for him when he moved away three years ago.

When we left, we hugged long and hard. After we left she told us that she cried for two hours. She has to face everything in new surroundings, dealing with a fairly serious health issue, and missing her family. The second day, she told us she cried less. and she went to the ophthalmologist in her town, and found out that her iritis is gone. The doctor told her  She has to taper off the steroids; and is hoping that it won’t come back. She has been busier every day, met her advisers, and other graduate students in her department, along with the professor she is working for. Tomorrow she begins both her own classes and the class she will be T.A. -ing.

I drove all the way back; Will’s back was aching. Although he does drive his own car, he is an inexperienced driver, especially in the dark in the rain. We talked all the way back, even though he wanted to sleep. We had to pull over on the freeway in a large city because it was raining so hard. God kept us safe. We stopped at a hotel on the way home because I was too tired to drive anymore. But we got home. Will told me that helping his sister out was “worth it.” We talked about his beliefs, his home life, work life, struggles with making friends, and longing for a wife. In listening to him, I was overcome with joy at the man Will is becoming.

Our home is quieter, much quieter. Patty’s personality is big, effervescent, loud. (Our semi-feral cat, Wendy is officially afraid of her noise). Ralph misses her intensely. She took a year off between undergrad and graduate school. She has been home for him through his illness. It gave me some comfort to have her home. I went shopping for groceries Monday night. I had to stop myself from buying food that she likes. It was unsettling.

We are praying Patty will be successful, make friends in her new home, find fellowship in a church, grow spiritually and professionally.

Our nest is emptying out. Maybe Mary will move next summer. Then we will have to decide what to do with this four bedroom house. A transition for all of us. This is what we’ve been working for all this time. Thank you, Lord. It feels so odd, now that it is here.

Ann.

 

 

 

 

 

Checking Items off the List. (and the days)

06 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in Independence

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“One good thing about moving away,” said Patty, “is I don’t have to eat what I don’t like.” Oh the woes of family meals.

“Reminds me of what President Bush said.” I said.

She laughed.

“Now that I am president, no one can make me eat Broccoli,” she said.

Perhaps her thoughts regarding food freedom were inspired by the “Tuesday Night Chicken,” I had just served for supper (from the Frugal Paleo Cookbook). Or perhaps from the list we have been making of all the things she will need for her apartment at the University.

It’s a long list. Despite the fact that the apartment will be furnished. She bought a set of stoneware dishes at Goodwill, along with some glasses. She has let me know some of the items she is planning to take from my kitchen. Like my hand mixer, because she says I never bake (true). And she picked out the color to suit her when I bought it a couple of years ago (bright orange). Some of my glass baking pans and some of my cookie sheets. I hope she will take more of my stuff, as I am in a continual process of getting rid of stuff so they won’t have to when I can’t. (https://annkilter.com/2014/03/14/what-would-they-do-with-my-stuff/). Grandma has some pans she would like Patty to have.

Mostly kitchen stuff this time. Toiletries. Laundry items. Towels. Cleaning supplies. Food – pantry items. Paper. Printer ink. Key ring. We keep thinking of new stuff. She would like a new laptop, but that will have to come later. For now, she can take an older one from home.

There are boxes in the window seat. We throw stuff into them as we obtain them (or find them, as in the category of stuff I am getting rid of).

Her birthday was last week. She requested small kitchen appliances from her siblings and from us. We haven’t purchased them yet because the smaller “college dorm” versions are not in the stores yet, on sale. They will be soon.

Patty has about five weeks to go until she moves away from home. Last week she opened a bank account. We hope she will have her driver’s license by the time she leaves (although she will still be an inexperienced driver).

We went out for coffee to talk. She said she is excited and frightened at the same time. She doesn’t know what kind of job she will be doing. If she will have to speak in front of students. I told her that she would probably meet with them weekly. Although she was a teacher’s assistant as an undergrad for two and a half years, the job will likely be different. She went to a small school. I went to Michigan State University, and I know how that works at large universities. She hates public speaking, but I assured her that she would get used to it.

She doesn’t know how she will pay for the first month’s rent before she gets paid or her student loan comes in. She should have gotten a job this summer, but I am conflicted. I felt better about having her around so someone was with Ralph during the day. Not that he really, really needs that now. But still. And he is teaching her to drive. They both have gone to my son’s house to babysit his cats and house sit while he was in Seattle for his job three different weeks this spring/summer. I felt better about having Patty there with him then. Especially then. Patty painted his deck while he was gone. He is going to pay her for that.

Somehow, God willing, we will get her there. With planning, prayer, and effort. And we will likely still forget something important.

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Emptying the Nest

18 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, high functioning autism, Independence, Thankful, Transition issues

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Will has been on his own now for nearly 10 months. He left home on April 21. So wonderful, and yet so strange to me. Will is building his own life. He goes to his own church, to work five days a week, shops, cooks meals (although not complete meals in my opinion), and does his own laundry pretty well. He has mapped out his own stomping grounds and knows the quick shortcuts that locals develop.

We went to visit Will for the weekend and brought his birthday cake from his favorite hometown bakery. His hometown is in our stomping grounds.

He is building his own nest. I found myself snooping in his nest this weekend. I and his younger sister checked his refrigerator for fruits and vegetables. Then we went to the store with him and pushed him into buying some fruit, and I bought him some vegetables. I don’t know if he will eat them, but I plan to ask him about it. I have become my mother.

My oldest daughter, Mary, told me last week that she was thinking about moving out in the next few years if she can find a steady job. I dreamed the next night about walking around in her new apartment, wistfully touching some of her furniture and looking in the cupboards in her kitchen. Her moving seems eventually inevitable.

My youngest daughter, Patty, plans to move out in about a year in a half to go to grad school. She will have to move to another city, perhaps another state to attend grad school. This too, feels inevitable. This winter semester she obtained a job as a teachers assistant for the history department – a necessary and advantageous position in her junior year of undergraduate. She will need a teacher’s assistant position in order to afford graduate school. Her goal is to become a history professor. This summer she will take her GRE and start applying to those schools.

Eleven years ago, I told my nestlings that I was going back to college so that I would have something to do when they didn’t need me anymore. The day when they would leave the nest seemed such a long way off. Now the empty nest is on the horizon.