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Tag Archives: college graduation

The Last Graduation

18 Sunday May 2014

Posted by Ann Kilter in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

achievement, asperger's, autism, college graduation, special needs

Ralph and I have been driving back and forth to colleges since September 2001.

First, I went back to school to become a legal secretary, graduating in 2004 (25 years after my first bachelor’s degree in English/Linguistics). There was a one-year break in 2004-2005, then Mary began her studies at the local community college in accounting, and went on to a local business college for her bachelor’s degree. Two years later, her brother Will began his studies in computer information technology at a local Christian college. Two years after that, Patty began her college career. At one point, Ralph and I were driving three kids to and from three different colleges five days a week. The Kilter college taxi service has been in operation for the last eight academic years (I don’t count my own years in college for the taxi service).

Two weeks ago, the Kilter college taxi service ceased operation after our youngest daughter, Patty, graduated with a bachelor’s degree in history and minor in economics,  magna cum laude. She approached college differently than her siblings. No accommodations were requested or needed. She is quirky,  creative,  and laughs out loud during her classes as she does at home. She thinks things through and connects the dots on her own. She challenged her professors and didn’t let them get away with easy answers. She often prepared group study guides for her classes and invited her classmates to use them for tests. Of course,  the study guides helped her on the exams even more. In her last year and a half,  she was the teacher’s Assistant for one of her professors. Graduation weekend, she spent 30 hours in her room,  grading exams.

After commencement,  I was able to meet her professors at this small private school. I took pictures of her together with them.

Then one of her professors came up to me and whispered, “Thank you for bringing her to us.”

And that is what I did. First, I convinced her to choose this college. Then I brought her to her classes five days a week for four years. Before and after work.

The valedictorian of her class talked about the opportunity cost of choices made. Ralph and I made the choice to spend ourselves in the effort of getting our two kids with autism and the one without through college to their bachelor’s degrees. We could have chosen to let them out into the world to work or do college totally on their own. My sister called it “an enormous effort.” Our effort involved transportation on a daily basis, encouragement,  filling out financial aid applications,  paying some of their tuition,  giving some times unwanted advice,  intervening with professors who had trouble understanding and implementing accommodations. But this goal was a priority above any other. Some of the costs were fewer friendships, no vacations, rest and relaxation, etc. In our minds, it has been worth the price paid.

Some might say we did too much for them, took on too many of the responsibilities that should have been theirs. After all, college is the time when children should be spreading their wings. I believe that each parent needs to judge what what each child needs individually. Mary needed more assistance, Will needed less. Their autism did necessitate more help. However, as they adjusted to college, they needed our help less and less. Other than transportation, help with tuition, and stops at McDonald’s for lattes and sausage McMuffins, Patty fiercely resisted any assistance from us. The time for spreading wings for our family, has been after college.

Friends, colleagues, and my psychiatrist have congratulated me on my remarkable accomplishment. However, as I keep pointing out, without our kids’ intense cooperation and effort, none of this would have happened. They were the ones who worked so hard in high school so that they would have scholarships to help pay for college. They were the ones who EARNED their bachelor’s degrees. Their accomplishments have been way beyond all that we could have asked or imagined when they were all placed in special education during the 1991-1992 school year. We were simply their enablers.

We have attended four college commencements since 2008. Patty’s was the sweetest of all.

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Patty’s Tears, Answered Prayers

26 Saturday Apr 2014

Posted by Ann Kilter in Autism

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

answered prayer, asperger's, autism, college graduation, Graduation

Patty was in tears when I picked her up from college yesterday. Although I commiserated with her, I can’t tell you what an answer to prayer her tears are.

“Today was my last lecture in undergrad. I wish I could still be a student,” she said, “I want to go to graduate school as soon as possible.”

Five years ago, Patty ran away from home. I took her to a Bible Institute about 100 miles from our home, and dropped her off. She had begged to be allowed to go to this school…”to get away from my sister and brother. To get away from autism. I want to be in a place where I can be myself without always having to think of autism.” We didn’t think she was ready to go away from home. Although she is not autistic, she was immature for her age in other ways…perhaps affected by growing up in a house dominated by autism. So we relented, and I took her to this school, the car stuffed with everything she needed and more for college life away from home. And we paid up front for her tuition, room and board, because the school was not accredited…it’s purpose was to train missionaries and other ministry leaders. She said she felt called.

While there, she struggled with illness (recurrent and severe sinus infections), and with getting along with so many new people. And she was terribly lonely. Although she was an excellent student, earning straight A’s, they asked her to leave after eight weeks. She was devastated and weeping when I picked her up from school. I was in tears as well, for her. And I prayed.

When we arrived home, she went upstairs to her room, and Ralph talked to her for a while. Downstairs, I cried out to God in anguish over my daughter. I had no words.

We were not angry with the school. We told them we understood why they sent her home. Many of the lessons we had tried to teach Patty had fallen on deaf ears. Now she heard it from other people, and it had consequences. I prayed that this pain would not be wasted in her life.

We allowed her to grieve. We took her to our pastor for counseling. And we worried and prayed. She spent many long days at home alone in our house while Ralph and I worked 40+ hours a week, and her brother and sister attended college full time.

But the week after I brought her home, I had Will take her downtown to our local community college to sign up for classes for Winter semester. I wasn’t about to let her mope around all winter. During that winter, she told me, “You are very controlling, you know.” “You think so?” I said. She completed the semester, agreeing at the end that it had been good that she had something to keep her busy, even though she didn’t like going there.

That winter, we urged her to go to the same small Christian college that her brother, Will, was attending. She didn’t want to go there because he was there. But I suggested that she apply for financial aid for that college as well as the local state university, and see what they offered. The local state university offered her less than nothing. Their financial aid “award” letter suggested that she take out student loans, and that her parents take out parent plus loans. The Christian university offered her $8000.00 per year for four years, student loans, and work study. She decided, reluctantly, to attend the Christian university, even though Will was there.

At first, she she struggled with choosing a major. I prayed that God would direct her, help her find her passion. After a year, one of her classmates remarked that she was very good at history; that she should consider majoring in history. She took his suggestion and flourished. She took her capstone class a year early, because her professors thought she had the ability. For the last year and a half, she has been the teacher’s assistant for the history department.

Last week, the Humanities Department had their own chapel. The chair of the department asked the seniors to give a word of advice to the rest of the students. Patty was the last one to speak because she had hidden with the other history major at the back of the room. She spoke to them about the importance of finding their calling and pursuing it with passion.

This coming week she will be taking her final set of exams as an undergrad. Then she will graduate on Saturday. I thought when her brother and sister graduated from college I would would be a little weepy, but I just felt incredibly proud and joyful. I know I will have  joyful tears at this one.

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Patty has read this post, and agrees with my assessment. History is her major, with a minor in economics.

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