Tag Archives: transition

Handles, Wings, and the Special Needs Child.

29 Saturday Mar 2014

Posted by in Transition issues

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Transition is the long term process of changing handles to wings for our children. Set this expectation in your mind: it will take longer, with many fits and starts. I recommend the post below by my writer, friend, G. Allen Barrett, poet, writer, and father. I so enjoy his sway with words. In each of our families, we share the experience of parenting special needs children.

G. Allen Barrett Poet. Writer.

4:40a.m. I heard “handles or wings.” Not audibly, but thoughts rattled and I carried my journal to the bathroom and wrote it down. My friend Peter Dehaan commented about my blog post on writing, the one about keeping paper and pen available while sleeping. He mentioned that sometimes a thought would arrive in the middle of the night and when he revisited it the next morning he was clueless as to why he wrote it down.

I imagined an angel with handles where wings would usually be found. Maybe my guardian angel could be easily moved. Just grab ahold matie, and take control.

Or maybe the angel is like a G.I. Joe I had when I was a child, the handles were where I would attach a parachute and throw him off the garage roof.

Maybe when God created angels he gave them a choice at the end of the…

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Transition Update

16 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Independence, Thankful, Transition issues

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“A ship is safest in the harbor, but that is not what ships are built for.” John Shedd. This was my the quote my friend Sharon had under her senior photo in our high school year book. As my children’s IEPs began to reference transition in their later years of high school, I remembered it and it became my motto. At the time, I put this quotation in my email signature lines both at home and at work to remind myself on a daily basis that my kids could not stay in the harbor. It was not healthy for them or for Ralph and me.

As a result, I began taking concrete steps to move our whole family toward transition. When my youngest daughter, Patty, was 12 years old, I went back to school to become a legal secretary. When she was 14, I graduated and started working. I told my kids, “I need to have something to do when you don’t need me anymore.” This type of language combined with concrete action (going back to school), helped all of us to move toward transitioning to independence.

Transition is the theme of this blog, so I thought I would update you on how transition is working out in our household.

Mary is living at home. She is working at a homeless shelter as a part-time accounting assistant in the accounting department. This fall, she also worked part-time at Habitat for Humanity for three months, but due to personnel changes, her position was eliminated. She is actively looking for full-time work. She says that when she finds a permanent position, and she has saved enough money, she will find her own place. Her brother’s transition to independent living has spurred her on. I have some reservations regarding how this will happen; however, at some point, she must live on her own separate from us. She has amazed us before; she will again.

Will has been living in his own apartment in another city for a year and a half now. He became a regular employee (rather than a long-term supplemental employee) in October. Now he has vacation time, a 401(k), and salary. He drives his beat up old car around his community. This Sunday, he will be singing in a cantata at his church. We are looking forward to seeing him at Christmas. My husband talks to him a little bit every weekday morning on the phone. I talk to him a couple times a week. He would like to meet a girl and get married. It could happen.

Patty is finishing up her senior year in college. We are pushing her to learn how to drive. Like many millennials, she is afraid of driving, but in order for her to transition to studying for her Masters/PhD, she must learn to drive. One more semester, and the Kilter College Taxi Service will cease to operate.

As for Ralph and me, we are beginning the process of transitioning to retirement. Ralph is by some miracle and perseverance and prayer, still working. (He has gone through six months of harassment at work – his employer would like him to quit). He is 62 and would like to work until 65, or at least get close. I am 54 and hope to work until I am 65. But the process of thinking about living with far less income has us thinking seriously about downsizing. Maybe we’ll have more time for volunteering. Have more time for fun activities.

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Learning to Iron

02 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, diagnosis, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Independence, Miracles, Thankful, Transition issues

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”A ship is safest in the harbor, but that is not what ships are built for.”

~John Shedd

All of a sudden, Will has left the safety of the family harbor. His ship has launched and he has moved into his own apartment in another city seventy miles away. His job is the beginning of his true career. He worked hard for this chance. All the years of therapy, special services, study and encouragement have resulted in this giant step toward independence, despite the giant challenge of autism.

During the interview with a huge corporation, they told him that if he were hired, he would start on April 16. On April 12, his father and I suggested that he probably wasn’t going to get the job. Whew! We had dodged that bullet, we thought. He would not be moving away from home. The very next day, the human resources department contacted him, offering him a position as an entry-level web developer. He would start on April 25. He was excited and nervous.

We were happy for him and dreadfully nervous. But we had stepped boldly forth into the risk that he might move away. We were the ones who encouraged him to go to the interview, and his dad actually drove him seventy miles for the interview, 140 miles round trip.

Anxiety plagued me. Had I prepared him enough? Had I taught him what he needed to know to live on his own, to navigate life outside the harbor? I wouldn’t have many more chances to teach him what he needed to know.

A week after we moved him, his sister Mary and I went to visit him for the weekend and bring another load of his furniture and possessions. I wanted to see how he was doing on his own. His apartment was still very sparsely furnished, with an air mattress in his bedroom and lawn chairs in the living room. He was camping in his own apartment. He would buy real furniture when he could afford it.

I got another chance to teach Will how to grab his dress clothes out of the dryer so that he would not have to iron them. However the clothes didn’t come out of the apartment dryers as wrinkle free as I had hoped. So we went shopping and he bought an ironing board and an iron.

Then we went back to his apartment and took all of his dress clothes out of the closet. I gave him and Mary ironing lessons. At home, my method of grabbing clothes quickly out of the dryer is an effective wrinkle deterrent, so my ironing lessons in the past were half hearted. But this time, both my children paid close attention. Both Will and Mary picked it up quickly. Will told me he has ironed his clothes every week since.

I am shocked that this is so hard. Letting go is harder than I thought it would be, but other parents, parents of typical kids, tell me that they found it difficult as well. When my kids were little, they had separation anxiety. Now I am feeling that anxiety on the other end of parenthood.

My chances to prepare my son for his future are diminishing quickly. He is learning his own lessons, and he is enjoying it for the most part. I love the John Shedd quote: “A ship is safest in the harbor, but that is not what ships are built for.” I have this saying in the signature line of my e-mails both at home and at work, to remind myself daily that my kids cannot stay in the harbor. In the end, keeping them in the harbor is not safe.

~Ann Kilter

What should I keep?

22 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, high functioning autism, Miracles

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I have today off. It is lovely outside after a long cold rainy spring. I am sitting here, sorting through bills, records, and old school documents. I want to simplify my life by getting rid of unnecessary flotsam and jetsam.

And I am faced with a conundrum….should I keep the IEPC’s? Should I give them to my adult children? Or keep them in a file cabinet that they can access when and if they want to see them? How will they feel if they read them? Parents of neurotypical kids have a lot of records to keep. Parents of kids with special needs usually have boxes worth of stuff. I have to winnow this.

Mary might be hurt and confused by her records, though she surely is aware of them on some level. I am not sure how Will would feel. But I am absolutely sure that Patty would like me to throw hers away….Burn them.

Of course, I’ll keep the awards (and give them to them when they want them), a few sample report cards. I’ll ask them before I throw anything away.

I have just a few mementos from my own school years. A report card, one of my brother’s kindergarten report cards (I don’t know why I have it, but I need to get that over to him!).

It’s nice for everyone to have something to remember their childhood by.

Dependents: Ninja and Grant

18 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Transition issues

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About a month ago, Will excitedly called us and told us he had received a letter from his apartment complex stating that they would now allow their residents to have up to two cats. When he moved in almost a year ago, only birds and fish were allowed in the apartment complex. Having a dog or a cat in your apartment was immediate cause for eviction, plus fines for clean-up. Will has been thinking ever since he moved in that he would be finding another place to live so that he could get a cat.

So Will began planning to get his cat(s). He is a planner by nature. He researched the animal shelters and Humane Societies in the towns near him. He went out and bought a litter box, litter, cat food, and a scratching post. We, of course, had to try to influence that cat(s) that he would choose. I said he should avoid a light colored cat because he would be continually using a lint brush. We suggested  he get a fully grown cat because everyone wants kittens, but adult cats have a harder time getting adopted. Ralph said that black cats are adopted less often. Will told us that he would choose the cat(s). Back off Mom and Dad. Still, we persisted. Make sure that you get cats that are affectionate and want to sit in your lap.

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Will went to a Humane Society (which was 11.3 miles from his apartment). He called me while I was at Kohl’s shopping with Mary for clothes. He needed the phone numbers of people who could be references for him.

After he brought Ninja and Grant home, he called us. He said that when he sat down in the “Cat room,” Grant and Ninja almost immediately leaped into his lap at the same time, so he figured that they would get along. He paid 85 dollars for Ninja (a female) and 1 dollar for Grant (a male). Of course, they are fixed.

Ninja escaped the cat carrier on the way home and hid under the seat of his car. Will had to coax her out with some food. Then he took them into their new home with him. Grant was sick on the car ride home.

He called us on Saturday night very worried about Grant, who wasn’t eating. He would only drink milk. We discussed various solutions. Now Will has dependents.