Tag Archives: independence

Life Without A Car

20 Saturday Jun 2015

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“Where are you going to buy organic meat?” Mary stopped in the middle of reading recipes out loud to me as I drove her to work last week. She was reading out of one of the cookbooks I bought for my Whole30 diet plan. Organic meat, grass fed, no antibiotics, with no GMO food.

“Well, I bought organic chicken thighs, drumsticks, and ground beef at Costco this week.” I said. “But I don’t know where to buy organic meat anywhere else. Let’s look it up on the internet when we get home.”

That evening, we found a local meat market that sells “meat raised without the use of growth hormones, preservatives, dyes and antibiotics and raised in a humane way.” The prices were comparable to our local stores, even Costco. But then we noticed they shipped their products all over the United States.

“I wonder what the cost would be to ship meat to my apartment when I get one,” wondered Mary.

“Let’s look it up,” I said.

So we put in the zip code of her likely apartment location when she gets one next year. She could get about 20 pounds of frozen food shipped to her apartment for about $20. But then, she would have to be there to get it. She works full time during the week. It is shipped frozen, so it couldn’t just wait at the apartment complex office (well, it could for a little while).

Mary and I have been discussing issues surrounding her move to an apartment next spring. How she will get food, get to the doctor, the dentist, laundry, prescriptions, etc. Some of her answers have been to depend on us for a while for trips to the grocery store or the doctor, and that is reasonable. Who will take her to the doctor if she has bronchitis or the flu if we can’t? When Ralph was in the hospital last fall, I couldn’t provide transportation to her class. Our church family stepped in and helped us out. Maybe finding her own community of believers is part of the answer. The likelihood of us not being available to her in the future is certain.

Living without a car, being dependent on others for basic needs is going to be a fact of life for her. When I look up resources for living without a car on the Internet, the vast majority of articles are about people who have the option of driving but choose not to for some reason. I saw very few resources for people who have no option but to depend on public transportation, their own feet, and the kindness of others. Maybe she will use Uber for some of her needs, but oh my heart. My friend’s children use Uber without a second thought….but.

Much wisdom and prayer is going to go into her move toward independence. Sometimes serendipitous discoveries are one of God’s ways of leading. May we discovery the right apartment, near perhaps some of those business that will make her life easier and give us some peace of mind.

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Taking Responsibility

30 Saturday May 2015

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When Mary started her job, she told us that she wanted to pay us room and board. She set the amount. She also said she would pay us for her transportation to and from work, since it was easier for her and took much less time than taking the bus (an hour each way). The amount was less than the going price of room and board in our area, and the amount she pays for transportation covers the gas and a little toward car maintenance and insurance. We accepted.

A few weeks ago I had lunch out with my mother and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law asked me how much Mary was paying for rent. I made the mistake of telling them. I also told them a figure that included cash that Mary asked me to get out of the check for her and her part of the cell phone bill.

“Don’t you think Mary’s rent is a bit high?” my brother asked me in an email two days ago. He accused us of taking advantage of her, and suggested what he thought was the correct amount. I spent the better part of two days defending our family’s decisions. When I told him that he was condemning me, he responded that I shouldn’t take it like that, and that I was making more out his words than I should. I call that not taking responsibility for his words. There were a lot of shoulds in his opinion.

Tonight we told her that someone in our family had suggested that she was paying too much for room and board and transportation. We also told her we weren’t going to tell her who it was. We asked her if she thought she should pay less.

“They want me to pay less just because I have a disability,” she said with angry tears. “I want you to accept the amount that I said I will pay you. It is far less than I would pay if I had my own apartment. And I don’t have to go out and buy my own groceries.

“Staying here, I can save money to get my own apartment. If I stay a year or two longer, I might have enough for a condo.”

My brother and sister-in-law feel that they are taking Mary’s side. Defending her. Keeping her best interests at heart. But Mary resents their interference. She feels her dignity is at stake. If other people without a disability can pay their living expenses, she feels that she is just as able as they are. Now that she has a good job. Getting her own place is still in her plan, but while she is getting established in her job, she plans to live with us and take responsibility for her own expenses.

There and Back Again

22 Friday May 2015

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We came. We saw. We snagged the right apartment, we hope.

When Patty moves in August to begin her masters degree studies, she has a tiny efficiency apartment to move into. A place to call her own. She chose to pay for a furnished apartment so that she would not have to buy furniture.

I struggled with whether we should make the effort and spend the money to travel 400 miles (one way) to the university to get our feet on the ground to make the all important decision regarding where Patty would live for the next year. I said to the Lord, “I need your help.” The next day, I suddenly felt that we should go. I can’t explain it. That evening I came home from work and a substantial check had arrived in the mail as the result of an overpayment in our escrow fund.

We made a hotel reservation and I took the the days off from work. I prepared my mind to be the only driver for an 800 mile trip. My friend lent us her GPS for the trip.

I had to trust the instructions of the GPS (“Tom”) to get us through multiple cities with many construction zones, merging and forking major highways. I also had to learn to trust Patty, who navigated the entire trip. I couldn’t look at Tom’s screen or her cell phone map. Listening to her directions was the only choice. We were very tired when we arrived, but we made it safely to our destinations. 11 hours there, and 9 hours back.

When we arrived in the college town, we found information  regarding housing we couldn’t see on online maps and Google Earth. The University is in mountainous country. The city and campus are perched on steep hills. We eliminated one complex based on its location on a steep hill. There really is no substitute for being there.

As we neared the end of our journey there, Patty became very quiet. I spoke about the way the mountains would be part of her experience. She said she was feeling sad about leaving home.

“You don’t have to go,” I said. “The decision is not set in stone.”

“Don’t try to minimize my feelings,” she answered. “I am allowed to feel sad about leaving home.”

Message heard.

My daughter is about to strike out on her own. On the second night, I could not sleep as I struggled with how she was going to make it on her own. I wanted to keep her safe. To make sure she had enough to eat. To get around on her own. After many sleepless hours, I said to the Lord, “I need your help.” I finally fell asleep.

The next day, she signed the lease for her first apartment. She didn’t need me to be a guarantor. Her award letter detailing her tuition waiver and stipend was enough. She has already shown her ability to provide her own way.

Our trip there and back again was essential, important. And part of the process of letting go and letting her find her wings.

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Road Trip

17 Sunday May 2015

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In about an hour and 25 minutes, Patty and I are supposed to leave the house and travel 400 miles to visit the town and university where she will be studying for her master’s degree. In history.

She doesn’t have her license yet, so she will not be driving. By the time she moves down in August, we are hoping she will be driving, although she won’t have a car right away.

We are going to look for an apartment that is close to campus and a grocery store and is safe. Is that too much to ask? The apartments are going fast….so I hope we are not too late.

We are planning to stop at Will’s house for breakfast on the way. That is about 100 miles away. 1/4 of the journey.

7:00 a.m. is our planned departure time. It is now 5:57 a.m. I am nearly packed. I have to wake her up. Get Breakfast. Get moving. So why am I sitting here, writing this?

This is the beginning of getting my second child out of the nest (she is the youngest). Today, we’ll see the place she will be living. At least we’ll see the university where she will be studying. And hopefully find the place.

Mary plans to move out next May. We could have an empty nest within the year. 🙂

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Life on the Other End of the Tether

07 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Independence, Transition issues

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Life’s not so easy on the other end of the tether, either.

Mary is dependent on us for most of her transportation. We live in a mid size city in the Midwest. We have public transportation, but it leaves something to be desired. Six of the communities in our town have voted to support the bus system. The rest of them voted no on paying for buses, which means large parts of the metropolitan area are inaccessible to people who can’t drive or don’t have a car.

We have been driving her back and forth to work since the beginning of February. We are happy to do it, but it adds an extra 90 minutes of driving to our days. It’s a great opportunity to talk to Mary every day, hear how it is going, how she is feeling about her future, what her plans are.

Still, Mary is feeling the strain of the tether, and so are we.

“When I was unpacking Will’s clothes in his room with Aunt Mary, I felt so jealous. I wanted my own apartment or condo. I wanted to move out, but I know I need to have patience,” said Mary one morning on the way to work.

Over the last year or so, Mary and I have had many discussions about where she would live, how she would get around, how she would meet her own needs. Having a full time job has transformed her wishes to plans.

Finding an apartment or a condo which is near a main bus line rather than a tertiary bus route, is essential. The apartments closest to her job have bus transportation from 5:00 a.m. to 9:00 am and from 4:00 pm to 9:00 pm. A few bus routes have service from 5:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and on Weekends. Not many though. But she is doing the research.

“I have to have transportation for when you aren’t able to take me to work anymore,” she said.

“I’ll still be around,” I said.

“But you might not be available to take me to work every day. I would still like you to take me grocery shopping. Apartments don’t seem to located near grocery stores. At least not the ones near my job, with dependable bus routes.”

Mary is dependent on us for transportation to work, church, the doctor and dentist, grocery store, shopping for clothes, and furniture. That will need to change. She goes to church with us now, but our church is not on a bus route, so either we will need to give her a ride, or she will have to find a church which is near her apartment/condo.

She wants to get to work on her own, have her own place. When, not if, she moves out, all of these issues will have to be considered. She told Ralph last week that she would like to move in about a year during the spring or fall. That should be enough time to save some money and figure out how she will provide for her own needs.

This blog has veered off the topic of transition for the last several months due to Ralph’s illness and hospitalizations. But really, his health issues are germane to the topic of transition. We have been unable to take her where she needed to go this fall. Our friends have helped out when we couldn’t. Chaos entered our lives, and we couldn’t provide for Mary.

“I know I can’t always depend on you and Dad,” said Mary. It’s true. So she is making her own plans to break the tether.

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