Tag Archives: high functioning autism

Helicopter Parents

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, faith, high functioning autism, Independence, Transition issues

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Will has been having more trouble with his car. We felt a momentary urge to travel to his city to help him out. But that would involve three hours of driving in one day, and we really couldn’t help him much. Instead, Ralph encouraged him over the phone to solve his own problems. He gave him advice to call someone from his church to request a ride to church on Sunday. This person also took him to the grocery store. On Monday, he will arrange to have his car towed, make a list of things that need to be fixed and pay for it. We resisted the urge to rescue him. We are prepared to help him if he really needs it.

When I hear/read about teachers, principals, superintendents, college admission directors, and social workers/psychologists complaining about helicopter parents, I wonder uneasily if they are talking about me, and maybe about many parents of children with special needs.

After all, we expected that the goals set in IEPC meetings would be met. And we expected the promised services would be provided. We went to workshops and conferences and learned about advocating for our kids. When promises were not met, we asked why not. When teachers failed to accommodate our children, we asked bluntly why not during parent teacher conferences; sooner if problems developed.

I ended my childcare business when I realized services were not being provided as consistently as they had been when I was not working. My husband was angry, but I stood my ground. The next school year, I began working as a lunch lady at my children’s school. I was a watching parent.

What would have happened to them if I not been a “helicopter parent?” Would my children have done as well as they have?

We pushed our children and we pushed ourselves.

We pushed for our oldest daughter, Mary, to be placed in an autistic program and she made wonderful progress. She is now looking for work after having completed her bachelor’s degree in accounting.

We pushed our son to do well in school. We worked to make sure he was not penalized for his autistic traits. That he had accommodations for his slow handwriting due to fine motor deficits. That he had a quiet place of refuge when he became agitated. We encouraged him to work hard in marching band. We encouraged his teachers to expect more from him. We insisted that he did his homework.

We began pulling back as our kids began preparing for college. For Mary, it was the realization that she could attend college as her brother and sister were expected to. The opportunities opened up for her. The first year or so I encouraged her to advocate for herself, to problem solve for herself. I only swooped in when her best efforts failed…and professors became resisted to accommodations. But we tried to let her solve her own problems. We did less and less hovering as she progressed through college.

Will needed a little hovering his first year of college, but as he adjusted, he became his own advocate. He is solving his own problems.

Now we are okay with him camping in his apartment until he can afford to buy a couch and mattresses. For now he is sleeping on an air mattress. We gave him what we were not using, but we didn’t buy him furniture. We are letting go, just like other parents. He can ride the bus to work. He can get his car fixed and pay for it.

If we have been accused of being helicopter parents, guilty. We are okay with that. We are also okay with giving up that role.

Good News

25 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, high functioning autism, Independence, Support, Thankful, Transition issues

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Mary received the news that she passed the road test, and will be taking driving instruction from the local rehabilitation driving program. They think she needs 40 hours of on-the-road instruction. They have to send it into the state for approval, but it should start soon. This is a huge step for Mary and for our family.

Our friends and family have often commented about how much time we spend carting our kids around. But if we didn’t, where would they be now? We do so much for them, but the goal is independence. The goal is for them to do it themselves. It always has been. The issue with autism is that it just takes much more time, much more hands on direction, much more intentional forethought (if possible – sometimes we can’t forethink everything). It is so great, though, when they figure things out for themselves.

I think that Mary is better at creative thinking than Will is.

Will is much more rigid and he always wants to do everything right. He wants to be able to predict how the next thing will happen, and he has a little difficulty when things don’t go as planned. But that may be one of things that helps him understand computer languages. He has gotten much better at being flexible. He has gotten lost a few times in his new city and he has figured out how to get around. Smart phones with maps are wonderful. He says Google Maps is not so accurate. This week he has to figure out what to do about his car – it seems the starter is going out. We are helping with suggestions, and his father will drive over tomorrow to look at  and help him.

Mary, on the other hand, is always thinking about her goals. One of her goals is independence – being able to take care of herself and have her own apartment. So she has set about to learn cooking, laundry, and cleaning. She rides the bus to some of her appointments. Sometimes when the next bus is coming in 45 minutes, she decides to go out for Chinese or burgers. Or go to the thrift store. She is more creative in her thinking.

 

Independence – report 1

07 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, high functioning autism, Independence, Transition issues

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Will has spent his first weekend without us. And he is making strides in beginning his own life independently.

With all the technology that keeps us connected, we know a lot of what he did this weekend. When I went away to college, I survived on letters (real mail) and a 10 minute phone call once a week. We hear from Will daily, sometimes more than once a day to different members of the family. Eventually, there will come days when he is too busy to call or we are too busy.

He got his first paycheck, which was one more indication that this job is the real thing. He told me early in the day that he was going to buy a new 3-quart saucepan at Meijer, even if he had to pay full price. Later, he was excited to tell me that he found what he needed at Goodwill: a 3-quart saucepan and a silverware sorter for the silverware drawer; both at a 90% savings over buying them new. (His stint working at a Goodwill warehouse around Christmas time this past year opened his eyes to the bargains at Goodwill). He told me what he bought at the grocery store – five items. Not what I would have bought, but his choice. What he felt he needed. I remember having the same dialogues with my mother when I started out on my own (with my husband).

When he did his laundry this week, he told me that he ironed all of his work clothes because he didn’t want any wrinkles. Wow.

On Sunday afternoon, he told his Dad that he went to a small group meeting at his church, with eight couples of varying ages, and had dinner with them. He found out that at the church he has chosen (been led to) there is another young man working at this same large corporation, a bit further along in the process, another person who is a programmer. And a professor of computer science at huge state university who is responsible for luring giant corporation to open a branch in Will’s city. Amazing.

This coming weekend we are planning to see him again, with all of us this time. His younger sister, Patty, is finally done with exams, so she has time to go. She said, she finally had the freedom to really miss him, and let herself feel her emotions. She is the only one who hasn’t seen his apartment.

We will bring him a few items, plus homemade cookies. I am on vacation this week, so I have time to do some baking.

Overwhelming

27 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, faith, high functioning autism, Independence, Transition issues

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Will has lived in his own place on his own for the first time in his life for five days.

He has done laundry, rudimentary cooking, and navigated his way around town (our town). But now he is doing all these things, making all these choices without (much) input from us. And he is lonely. Our family is very tight knit and we talk all the time. He said the hardest times are when he sits down to eat. By himself.

He is looking for events and/or group meetings to attend. He wants to meet people. And I wonder how he will do. We have encouraged him to find a church where he can meet people. And to find some volunteer activities that he can do after work or on Saturdays. But he is still living alone. That is a very different experience for him.

I don’t have much experience with living alone. The few short periods that I lived alone without knowing anyone were unpleasant to me. I lived with my family, and then a variety of roommates, and then married. My husband has a lot more experience in living alone. He can talk to Will about living alone far more experientially.

I am going to visit Will this weekend with my oldest daughter and bring him some more stuff from our house. And donuts from Marge’s Donut Den. We are going thrift shopping again, for decorations and furniture. And we are planning to play some games.

I tell him that when I was his age (1984), it costs 20 cents a minute to call long-distance. I could only call my parents once a week, for a very short time. I had to share a phone with my roommates. My husband didn’t have a phone; he had to use a pay phone to call his mother. Now, although we pay a lot for our phones each month, it doesn’t cost anything extra beyond the initial bill for each phone call we make.  So we watched American Idol last night “together.”

Wings

21 Saturday Apr 2012

Posted by in Autism, diagnosis, high functioning autism, Independence, labels, Miracles, Thankful, Transition issues

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One morning a few days before graduation from college, I dreamed I was a fledgling black bird, and I was running around chasing my parents (who were birds, too) trying to get food from them. I woke at that moment, but that picture has remained with me all these years.

Tomorrow I will be going with my son to help him look for temporary, economy housing in a city that is too far to commute to easily. He is starting his first post-college job.

The ship is venturing out of the harbor. And taking all sorts of flotsam and jetsam with him. Valuable (to him) clutter is going out to the car. This works better than my annual spring purge of unused stuff. (I always give up before my house is completely purged.)

“Mom, you don’t use this little crock pot, do you? How about this lamp? Here are some pans you never use.” “Nobody is using that printer – I could take that?”

His dad says, “Don’t take all the socks!” I say, “Make sure you take some towels and hand towels. Look in the cupboard and take some food.”

This is an entirely different from sending my daughter to college a few years ago. She wanted cute new stuff for her dorm room to set up a bedroom in a new place. She didn’t mind spending money (our money) to do so. My son is setting up house, and he wants to spend as little as possible. He is happy to take some of the items I no longer use.

College involves wings with tethers. Setting up house in another city is taking the training wheels off.