Lament

18 Friday Jan 2013

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, faith, Miracles

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God put lament in the Bible for a reason. To help us. To instruct us. To care for us.

A lament is defined as a passionate expression of grief or sorrow; a song, piece of music, or poem expressing grief or sorrow; a complaint. http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/lament

Around 30 percent of the psalms are laments. Many of the Psalms of David are laments (when his baby died after his affair with Bathsheba, when Saul hunted him down in the caves, when his own son tried to kill him). Many of his laments came after he had turned away from God. Yet God called David “A man after my own heart.” (Acts 13:22). Why? Because he turned back to God.

The important thing is that we are turning to God.

Some may feel that it is wrong to question God, but the Bible is rife with people who cry out to God, “Why?” Why? Why?

Why did my loved one die? (David) Why did I lose my job? Why was Jerusalem destroyed? (Jeremiah) Why did my son turn against me? (David). Why did I lose my family, my wealth, even my health? (Job).

We suffer the same as those biblical examples. Why does my child have autism, cancer, learning disabilities, etc.? When my three children were placed in special education in the space of a year, it was very difficult. When they were diagnosed with autism three years later, I said to God, “I am not sure that you have picked the right person for this job, this role.” Why?

Why Why Why, we cry out to God.

God knows our thoughts. We cannot hide them from him. He knows we are dust, weak, frail; even the strongest of us.But God does not berate us for our laments. When our questions are directed at God, we are communicating with him or or sometimes at him.

Or the greatest lament of all, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Jesus, the Son, felt the same distress that we sometimes feel. He was separated from God during the time that he was dead. And he cried out to God, the Father, “Why?”

^{14 “}Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,^[f] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. ¹⁵For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. ¹⁶Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:14-15 (NIV)

It is okay to question God, to go to him in distress. The important thing is to turn to Him, not away from him.

Not Our Typical Thanksgiving.

26 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Ann Kilter in Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Support, Thankful

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Our Thanksgiving did not go the way we planned.

Ralph has been working seven days a week for the last month. He was able to get Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off, when his coworkers got Thursday off. This was in part because we had already paid for the hotel suite in Lafayette, Indiana, a drive of four hours. On Wednesday, he drove to get Will from his apartment so that he could travel with us to see his grandmother. The trip exhausted him, but he made it.

On Thursday, I drove the entire trip because Ralph was exhausted from working for a month with no days off. We usually take turns driving.

Some parts of the weekend did go as planned. We almost always travel to Indiana to visit Grandma Coletta on Thanksgiving. 17 years ago, due to her move to senior housing, she could no longer have us as overnight guests. So we began to rent a hotel suite with full kitchen, two bedrooms and baths, and living room with fireplace. We then have her visit us for the two days.

She doesn’t like Turkey, so I always try to make something that she likes and can eat. She is 89 this year (our best guess since she has never divulged her age). This year, we bought precooked food, (braised beef tips and potatoes). It probably wasn’t healthy, but she did like it and was able to chew it. Some years I can’t get the cooking right. This year, she was pleasant to be around. Some years we have had to deal with paranoia, delusions, resentment, and/or downright disagreeableness. On the other hand, she didn’t seem to have the ability/energy to initiate conversation or answer direct questions. But we found that when we watched football together and talked about it with each other, she was able to chime in, to participate.

We couldn’t get the heat regulated in our suite this year. It was 80 most of the time. In the past, every time she has been in the suite, we always kept the heat turned up to keep her comfortable, but it was uncomfortable even for her. Nevertheless, it was a good visit this year. We are thankful for that.

Friday night, I turned over in bed and had an attack of vertigo. I grabbed Ralph’s arm for support, and said, “My vertigo is back. I can’t drive tomorrow.” I have had several days long episodes of vertigo in the past 12 years, usually separated by a few years. The last two years, it has been a more frequent visitor. In an instant, my life becomes more limited and uncomfortable. Saturday morning, I couldn’t eat breakfast and suffered nausea as well. It could be that the prepared convenience foods didn’t agree with me and the heat dehydrated me. On the last day, we usually go over to Grandma Coletta’s apartment to visit for a few hours before we go home. But we didn’t want to expose her to my possible illness, so Ralph visited her for a few minutes, then he drove us home. He was still so tired, but God kept us safe. I didn’t say anything about the speed at which he drove. The vertigo subsided, but I was afraid that I would have it again that night, and not be able to drive Will back. I knew that Ralph would not allow me to drive, even though he would have to drive after a day of work. I prayed the vertigo would be gone so that I could drive the next day, instead of Ralph. The vertigo was gone last night, and I could in good conscience, drive.

Ralph had planned to cook the turkey after we got home and have Will help him take the Christmas tree out of the upstairs closet and start putting it together. Will brought the Christmas decorations down, but didn’t put anything together. Other Thanksgivings we have put the decorations up on the Saturday after coming home from Indiana. Ralph put the turkey in the oven. We planned to eat it at 10:00 p.m. when it would done. We usually have the Turkey on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, but Ralph was required to work on Sunday. At 8:00 p.m., I discovered that he forget to turn on the oven. The turkey wasn’t done until 1:00 a.m. We deboned the turkey and put it in the refrigerator. The four of us had our turkey dinner at 11:00 a.m. before I took Will back to his apartment. I prepared a plate for Ralph to eat after work. (He really liked it).

I am so thankful. Our holiday didn’t go as planned, but God kept us safe. We had a visit with Grandma Coletta which was encouraging to her and us. We were able to fix food that she wanted to eat. Due to the attack of vertigo and nausea, I was reminded that I am not in control. My family took care of me. God took care of me. The ornaments and the tree are still in the boxes, but at some point, we will decorate the house for Christmas. We couldn’t eat our dinner together due to circumstances beyond our control, but we were able to eat a nice turkey dinner. Will is back at his apartment (although we did discuss him putting new wheels on his car so that he can drive himself to our house next time and not be dependent on us.)

There is so much to be thankful for.

War Stories

14 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by Ann Kilter in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, diagnosis, Disability, faith, high functioning autism, Independence, Miracles

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asperger's syndrome, autism, Battles, faith, high functioning autism

When we parents of children with disabilities meet in doctor’s offices, conferences, workshops, therapy sessions, we frequently share our experiences. The tales of joy and woe come pouring out. We open up about the progress our children have made, the uneasy concerns, set-backs, and our frustrations. We comfort each other. We learn that we are not alone. Our eyes are opened to battles that lie ahead.

During the times that I was fighting my most exasperating battles, I was sure that I would never forget.

However, this morning as I was talking to my youngest daughter, Patty, on the way to college (a daily drive of about 45 minutes five days a week), I realized that I had indeed forgotten one of my war stories.

Eight years ago Mary attended the regional autism program in our county from the fifth grade through high school graduation. She was bused five days a week to the second largest school district in our county. In high school, she was mainstreamed in most of her classes with regular education students, with a one hour class each day for social skills training, occupational therapy, and speech therapy.

In the middle of her junior year in high school, Mary’s guidance counselor told me that Mary would not be able to graduate in with the class of 2005 if she did not take a summer class or a class at the community college. I told her that I was confused. Mary had gone to school 6 hours a day, five days a week since the beginning of high school. She had taken 6 classes every semester.

I talked to our teacher consultant in our home district and she agreed that Mary was not being given credit for all of her classes and she intervened to no avail. The guidance counselor stood her ground and would not budge. She insisted that Mary needed to take an extra class. I went to the school principle to complain about this after getting nowhere with the counselor. My daughter’s autism teacher told me that he was embarrassed that I had gone over the counselor’s head. He was no help at all.

The guidance counselor told us that we had to have Mary take a summer course with them, which would cost over $300. Or Mary could take a college course, which they would pay for if it was a course that they didn’t teach at the high school. I said that they should pay for it regardless because they had messed up her credits.

The summer class was not possible due to Ralph’s work schedule and my work schedule. We tried to find a class at the local community college that was not taught at the high school. However, the high school had 2000 students, and taught a large variety of courses, so that was impossible. We decided along with Mary that it would be a good idea for her to take a night class in Business English, because those credits would also count toward her college degree.

One night a week for 15 weeks, we took Mary to the community college, and waited in the parking lot while she was in class. She passed the class with a B, which was excellent for someone with autism and learning disabilities. At the time, her English teacher in the high school told us that it would be a waste of money for Mary to go to college.

It’s a amazing thing how things look from hindsight. We did not prevail in this long drawn out battle. I was so frustrated. However, it turned out that the counselor was wrong. Mary did not need those extra credits. She had completed two years of a computer accounting class at the county vocational school in one year with A’s and A minuses. She excelled in accounting – it was all numbers. One of the features of autism can be intense focus. While others were socializing, she was working. She received two years worth of credits in that year. In addition, she had the three credit college course that was added to her high school credits because the counselor insisted that Mary required an extra class.

When Mary started her classes at the community college after high school graduation, she was already familiar with the campus and with the pattern of a college class. Even though it seemed unfair and was very inconvenient at the time, it turned out to be a blessing.

To California and Back Again

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by Ann Kilter in Achievement, Asperger's syndrome, Autism, Disability, high functioning autism, Independence, Thankful, Transition issues

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asperger's syndrome, autism, career, faith, flying, independence, transition, travel

Will has been to California and back again. It was a roller coaster experience for Ralph and me. We gripped the edge of our seats, and waited for texts from Will as he arrived at each airport and then at the hotel. I really didn’t sleep well this past week. Thank God for cell phones.

Will flew on three planes on the way out to California, at least one train, and a bus. He got on the wrong train and realized he was going in the wrong direction and came back. The bus route ended a mile and a half from his hotel. He walked in 90+ degree heat to his hotel, and accepted a ride from a stranger to his hotel (Yikes!). I prayed that God’s angels would surround him and keep him safe. I prayed that he would not have a melt down along the way. If he did, I don’t know about it.

He texted us when he arrived at the hotel and when he arrived at his home.

He discovered hotel shuttles, and caught a ride to the bus station. He rode the bus, the train, three planes (with extended layovers) on the way back. He’s exhausted, but it was definitely worth it. 20 years ago, we were told that he was mentally impaired and would probably never live by himself. Now he has done something I and his father have never done: fly in a commercial jet, not just once, but six times in the space of a week.

He went to his training sessions for four days, eight hours each, and did homework for three hours each night. He went out to dinner with his manager to an Italian restaurant. At the end of the week, his manager showed him the work he would be doing once he is certified in the software he trained in all week. Then he went to dinner at his manager’s home, where he told Will that in their culture (India), it would be an insult if he did not eat a lot. Will discovered that he likes Indian food.

This trip was a learning experience for him and us. He learned to use hotel shuttles and room service when the hotel was having a “sizzling party” in the hotel restaurant. He balked at the $2.50 charge, plus 20% gratuity. We convinced him that $2.50 was nothing compared to the time cost of finding an outside restaurant when he was so tired. He just doesn’t want to spend the money.

Will must have impressed his manager for this project because, be still my heart, he would like Will to come back to California for seven weeks in September and October.